Untangling a Memory

Coffee in the garden

Natasha was able to sleep that night without having a nightmare, though she was still sleeping in her bathtub. Maybe she would move back to her bed at some point soon, but she wasn't ready for that yet. So that morning, she got up out of the tub, stretched her arms, and looked out the big, open window on another beautiful day in Wakanda. 

Natasha started her day, the same as any other. She washed her face, pulled her hair up, and switched into some loungey clothes, usually shorts and an oversized t-shirt. She liked to get up early and enjoy some coffee and breakfast before a workout or whatever else she had planned for the day.

Natasha opened the door from her suite to the hall and almost tripped on a mug that was on the floor, just outside the threshold. She picked it up and pulled out a note from inside- 'Coffee in the garden?' Natasha smiled and went to fill the mug in the kitchen.

As she entered the plush and colorful garden that was adjacent to the palace, she recognized a familiar frame, sitting on a bench, reading.

"How is it?" Natasha approached sipping coffee from the mug that Bucky had left for her.

Bucky looked up, putting his bookmark in between the pages, and placing the closed book on his lap under his hands delicately, right hand placed on top in view. Bucky was back to wearing a long sleeve shirt and a glove over his left, metal hand, something Natasha had seen him do before to keep his arm out of sight.

"I'm just starting it and I'm kind of a slow reader, but I like it very much so far." Bucky smiled at Natasha. As she got close, he stubbled awkwardly trying to stand up, in a gentlemanly gesture not to be seated when she arrived.

"At ease, soldier." Natasha said with a smirk and motioned for them both to sit down. Bucky had positioned himself on the bench so that Natasha would be on his right with plenty of space between them.

"You really are quite the spy. I didn't even hear you come into the garden. Nearly gave me a heart attack."

"I mean, it's my job to be invisble. But still a compliment coming from you." Natasha tried to keep her internal thoughts off of her face. She'd learned from the best.

Bucky smiled and nodded, looking softly back down to the book, trying to hold it as delicately as he could in his large, rough hands. "Hey, about the other night, on the terrace..."

Natasha traced lines in the gravel with the tip of her sneaker as she spoke. "We really don't have to talk about it. We can just move past it." She kept her eyes focused on her coffee mug.

"I'd like to say something about it, if that's okay." Bucky looked at Natasha as he said this, almost as a question, looking for her response.

She turned to look at him and nodded. "Of course we can." She repositioned her body to give him her full attention.

"Okay, cool." Bucky paused to collect himself. "I really want to apologize for a couple of things. First, I shouldn't have run off the terrace like that especially without an explanation. And then, when I didn't talk to you or to anyone, for a week after, I can only imagine what you must have thought."

'It's okay, Barnes. Really, it's fine."

Bucky, who had been making eye contact with Natasha as he had been speaking, now looked back down to his hands. "It's really not fine though. I mean clearly, it's not, because you haven't wanted to see me at all. And honestly..." Bucky paused and took a deep breath, "... that terrified me."

Natasha shifted away and looked down as she rested her mug on her knees. She was shutting down. She really had wanted to have this conversation, but now she worried again that it was going to be too much for Bucky. She wanted to run back to the field, anywhere away from this bench.

"What I mean to say is that I've been worried that I had scared you off irreparably. I'd already hurt you and now I was doing it all over again." Bucky put the book down beside him. He was worried he'd start gripping it too hard as he started to get more overwhelmed with emotion. But then, he did something Sam had taught him- he put his hands on each of his knees, closed his eyes, and took a couple of deep breaths.

Natasha could see Bucky doing this out of the corner of her eye and pulled herself out of her thoughts. It was calming her down too to see that it meant so much to him. "You didn't scare me off. I'm right here." Bucky was about to interrupt her, but she kept going. "Yes, I did freak out a bit. But that's because I felt like it was my fault you were in your room. That I shouldn't have told you at all, because what I had to tell was so upsetting."

Bucky looked up at Natasha and gave a little laugh. "It sounds like we both bungled this one." 

Natasha returned Bucky's gaze and smiled. It had been nearly two weeks since he had seen her really smile and only now did he remember how much it lit up the space around her. Even when she was outside and already showered in sunlight, her eyes were bright and piercing.

"Natasha," Bucky started again a little more seriously, but without losing eye contact. "I'm really sorry that I hurt you. I know there are reasons why it happened at the time, being under HYDRA's control and whatnot, but I'm still incredibly sorry I did it."

"You promise never to shoot me again?" Natasha asked with a smirk.

"Not intentionally, at least. I mean, if Steve trips you and you fall in the way, I can't be blamed." Bucky grinned. Natasha was happy to hear him joking again.

"I can accept that." Natasha smiled, then it was her own turn to be more serious. "I'm sorry I didn't talk to you, that I avoided you. I didn't want to hurt you all over again..." Natasha caught herself, "...after we talked on the terrace." She'd gotten distracted mid-sentence looking at the eyes she knew so well, but she'd caught herself before anything seemed off.

Bucky nodded. "In the future, we'll both just try to do better to use our words."

"Not something they teach in spy school." Natasha smirked.

"Ha ha, that is a fair point. But always room to learn new skills."

Bucky felt a weight lifted. Though he hadn't talked to Sam about the conversation he needed to have with Natasha, he suspected that Sam must have had picked up on it. Sam had been smart enough to drop him some tips on how to have difficult and emotionally challenging conversations, and that had turned out to be very helpful. Dammit Sam for being so knowledgable.

Natasha went back to drinking her coffee as they sat. Her delicate fingers grasped the mug tightly, showing her deep affection for the caffeinated beverage. She made sweet, delighted faces as she took small sips.

"So, does this mean we are back to everyone showing up for family meals? Steve is going to be delighted!" Natasha was honestly thrilled at the idea of not having PB&J everyday.

"You missed the pancake feast Steve made while you were avoiding me."

Natasha looked at Bucky with fake horror. "Dammit Steven! How could he?! I will get my pancake feast, mark my words."

Bucky laughed, "I have no doubts you will."

"You gonna head back up?" Natasha stood up, waiting to see if Bucky was going to join her.

"I'll be up in a bit."

Natasha raised an eyebrow and looked at him.

Bucky smiled warmly at Natasha, "Promise. I just want to read a bit more of this good book that was shared with me."

Natasha nodded, pleased. She turned and headed back into the palace.

Bucky picked the novel back up from the bench next to him. He ran his fleshy fingers over the text on the cover before opening it back up to where his bookmark had been. He found his place on the page where he left off and kept reading:

"Your conjecture is totally wrong, I assure you. My mind was more agreeably engaged. I have been meditating on the very great pleasure which a pair of fine eyes in the face of a pretty woman can bestow."

Listen to: "Green Eyes" - Coldplay