Untangling a Memory

I'm still here.

Just as Steve had suggested, Natasha ended up spending the night at Bucky's side, alternating between reading the book he had left her and watching him as he remained in his cold sleep. All the while, Natasha never let go of Bucky's hand. It was unclear whether she was doing this to let him know she was there or to remind herself that he still was.

The following morning, Sam brought down some breakfast for Natasha and sat with her. They spent time together in the medical suite, chatting while Natasha ate, Sam telling jokes, and otherwise making sure her spirits stayed positive. He had the hunch that the longer Bucky was in cryo, the more anxious Natasha would become. So, he knew that having the people she trusted around her would keep her from spinning psychologically.

As they were playing cards, Sam delicately pivoted their conversion to a more serious subject. "So, how have you been feeling recently?" 

"What do you mean?"

"I know things were stressful after your appointment and then taking some time for yourself. I wanted to see how you are doing."

Sam kept his eyes focused on their card game as he spoke, his expression relaxed and comforting. Natasha was at first alarmed by the change of subject, but she appreciated how he phrased it. He didn't talk about it as her running from her problems; he said that she was doing what she needed to do for her, as if it was self-care. The lack of judgement kept her engaged.

"Doing ok, I think. I mean, still not feeling great about things, kind of on edge at times."

Sam nodded along, but didn't say anything. It was a tactic he frequently used to encourage the other person to continue expressing themselves as much as they felt comfortable.

"I don't know that I want to talk about what happened though."

"I didn't ask." Sam said this sweetly, as a way of letting Natasha know that she could share on her terms. She couldn't help, but smile at how he allowed her to set the boundaries of their conversation.

"Ummm..." Natasha wanted to asked for help, knowing that Sam had experience dealing with trauma counseling, specifically with war veterans, but she wasn't sure how to approach it. "What do you recommend to people who are dealing with stuff?"

"Stuff?"

"Yeah, I mean, processing new or overwhelming information."

"Well, I think there's a lot of ways to handle it. Ultimately, the person would need to find out what works for them, because everyone is different in the way they process new information or cope day-to-day. But one of the things I might recommend to someone is to try journalling. I've found for myself that it can be a good way to get what's weighing your mind physically out of your body. Then you can put it on a shelf and leave the thing that's bothering you for a while until you want to revisit it."

Now was Natasha's turn to nod along, processing the suggestion while she waited for Sam to continue. She knew that others journaled, specifically she'd seen Bucky do it and she knew that Sam carried a journal with him on their missions, but she never really understood their purpose. The way that Sam explained it made a lot more sense- it was the inverse coping mechanism to burying your feelings or anxiety about something, the approach she naturally took.

"Another thing that I've found helpful is to pinpoint the issue that is at the center of the trauma or thing bothering someone. It can be helpful in determining triggers and learning to calm yourself during those moments when you are activated. So, as an example, you know about my history with my wingman, Riley, right?" Natasha nodded. "Well, after watching him fall out of the sky, crash, and die, I left the Air Force thinking that I could get away from that part of my past.