The Crackheaded Adventures of the Brawltang Boys and 6mix

34- "So this is what I've become."

warning: this chapter contains suicidal actions. PLEASE don't read the end of this chapter especially if this triggers you. your mental health is more important than this story, ok?

It was three in the morning. By all rights, Robin shouldn't be awake right now. He should be sleeping, which was the only time he escaped the guilt and the self-loathing he carried around everywhere. 

Unfortunately for him, it was really hard to sleep in the first place. So he was laying here, staring up at the ceiling and torturing himself with thoughts of what could've been. 

About the only thing that made him happy these days was sleeping, which was stupidly hard to achieve, or drinking himself unconscious. That was easy. Sure, it was expensive, but he didn't care. Getting high worked pretty well, but it didn't work quite as well as drinking did. 

He didn't have a job anymore. It was really hard to get hired when it seemed like everybody and their mother had heard about what he'd done. 

Basically everything he'd told Sheik six months ago had come to pass. He was nothing more than a washed-up former idol. A waste of space. A complete and utter disappointment. 

Ironically, none of his former groupmates had blocked him. So he was able to see how they were doing, via their various posts on social media. Every single one of them was actually happy. 

Of course, he didn't really keep up with most of them. The only one he bothered checking up on regularly was Sheik. 

Sure, it hurt to see him with Corrin, but he'd accepted it. He was glad to see him smiling, even if that smile wasn't for him. 

On occasion, Sheik would post videos of himself playing a song on the violin as he tried to regain his skills in order to audition for some professional orchestra in New York. Robin hadn't bothered memorizing the name, but that was neither here nor there. The first time he'd noticed him posting these videos, Robin had been fairly surprised. He knew that Sheik hadn't played in years, since he hadn't had the chance to. 

Just another sign that Sheik was moving on and Robin was stuck in the past. 

Today, he'd posted one of those videos. Robin's heart had nearly stopped when he saw the title and song information in the caption, but he'd pressed play anyway. 

Liebesleid (Love's Sorrow) by Fritz Kreisler

I used to be able to play this one back in high school. A couple weeks of practice and I think I've got it again. I forgot just how emotionally demanding this song is to play, hah. My main reason for playing this is, of course, Your Lie In April, but this one is amazing on its own. 

Dedicated to an old friend of mine. I hope you're doing well. 

It was obvious who he was talking about, even if he didn't outright name the person. 

Robin laughed a bit. He wasn't doing well, but he appreciated the thought. 

Laying there, listening to the melancholy violin music drifting out of his phone's speakers, he started thinking. Just like always. 

What could've happened if he hadn't been such a fucking idiot? Would he have ended up here anyway, merely heartbroken instead of feeling guilty for abusing the guy he loved. 

Maybe they'd have been friends for the last five years instead of being the abuser and the victim. Maybe Sheik wouldn't have flinched away from him every time he got angry. He'd be willing to bet that he wouldn't have spiraled so far downward. 

Almost every night, he thought about how he'd nearly driven Sheik to the point of killing himself. What would he have done then? Contrary to what he'd told his therapist, he likely would've given up all hope of ever redeeming himself a lot sooner than he had. 

There was no coming back from this. He was a terrible person, and even if he could redeem himself, he didn't deserve to. 

"Does this ever stop hurting?" Robin asked, his gaze fixed on the ceiling. He wasn't sure who he was talking to. Was he talking to himself? A ghost? Did it even matter at this point? After a long silence, he laughed and covered his eyes with his right hand. "Who am I kidding. I don't deserve for it to stop hurting."

Worthless.

Disappointment. 

Failure.

All those nasty words he'd thrown like knives at the defenseless Sheikah were now coming back to hurt him. 

Just go kill yourself. You're a pathetic waste of space. 

Not even your own parents want you around.

All that time he'd spent insisting he was better than everybody else had been one elaborate lie. One he told to himself to hide the crippling insecurities that ate away at him, and one he told everybody else to make them hate him too. Robin wanted them to hate him, because then when he was dead, they would be happy. 

You're better off dead. 

Yeah, he was, wasn't he? Pieces of shit like him shouldn't be alive because that way they couldn't hurt anybody else. 

Robin didn't want to hurt anybody else. He was scared of how easily he'd turned to abusing his friends, tricking himself into believing that they deserved it because they were lesser than him. 

He saw the truth now. He was the one who was less than them, not the other way around. And no matter what he did, there was no running away from what he'd done. 

i forgive you

you shouldn't

i can't hate you

why not

i love you but not the way you wanted

maybe it's better that way

Slowly, Robin got out of bed, leaving his phone on. Good thing he'd been preparing for a moment like this, because there was a rope already tied in a noose in his bedside table. 

Suffocating felt nice. It was both painful and a relief at the same time. 

Robin's eyes closed and didn't open again. 

Breaking News: Former K-pop idol Kim Cavali Havana has been found dead

Breaking News: Ex-Brawltang Boys member Kim Cavali Havana's death ruled to be a suicide

Breaking News: Fans of the disbanded K-pop group the Brawltang Boys reeling from the death of Kim Cavali Havana