JADE

JADE [54]

(Friday) (February)

-JADE-

I ORIGINALLY planned to go see my mother, write her a letter, something, I planned to do it. When Mayra told me that Fabe was working on giving my mother her freedom again, I didn't think she meant so soon. I didn't think she meant today.

"I-I'm so sorry mama" I continue to cry hours later. In just one day, I lost count of how many times I said those words. I done apologized to my mom, to Fabe, to Kevin, to even Lehi. The words poured out of my mouth like a river, and I didn't fight to stop them. I am sorry.

From the spot on the bed that's in my guest bedroom, my mother looks at me with wet eyes. She looks at me as if she loves me more than anything in the world. She looks at me the same way I look at Lehi. The emotions swimming in her eyes, I feel as though I can almost touch them.

"You have nothing to be sorry about" her voice is soft like honey, dripping with tender and love when she talks. My heart tightens in my chest because I realize how much I missed hearing her speak. She reaches for my hands and hold them in between her calloused ones. "Nothing"

I sniffle. "But I-I do, mama. I abandoned you"

She squeezes my hands. "I abandoned you. You didn't abandon me, Jady" she shakes her head.

"No, I should've visited you. I-I should've wrote you, ma"

"Look at me" the firm tone of my mother encourages me to look up. "I prayed every single day that God kept you away. I didn't want you to visit me. I didn't want you to write me. Dammit, I never wanted you to experience what I made you experience" tears fall from her eyes and her lips tremble. "I failed you, Jady. My only daughter, and I... I failed you"

"Because of Floyd" his name tastes like poison in my mouth, and for a quick second, I'm brought back to those tragic moments that nineteen-year-old Jade faced. "It was because of him"

"No" mama shakes her head again. "Floyd didn't force me to drink. I did that on my own. I'm the one that's sorry, Jady. A lifetime won't be enough for me to make it up to you. When I was in there, you were all I thought about. I prayed for you everyday. Fabe told me that you left and that they didn't know where you went, but somewhere, deeply in my heart, I knew. I knew that you were still alive. I knew that I would see you and have you in my arms again. I knew that I would see you face to face to tell you how sorry I was for not being the mother you deserved. And I am truly sorry, baby girl. I wish I had better words to express how deeply sorry I am" more tears fall from her eyes and I'm unable to stop my own.

Her words shift a weight, a weight that I wasn't aware of, shifts off my heart and I lunge into my mother's arms. Now I understand why Lehi loves being in my arms so much. It's the warmth, the smell, the sense of safety and security you pull from your mother. It's the joy, peace, and solace you experience when you're in her arms. It doesn't matter how old you are, mama's arms are paradise.

I bury my face into my mom's shoulder and breathe in her smell. It's not the same peach cinnamon scent that it used to be, but I'm satisfied. I'm overflowing with contentment. I don't care that she spent six years in prison. I don't care that she was around criminals. I don't care that she made me grow up too fast and too early. I just don't care about anything else right now, only her arms around me and her hands softly rubbing my back.

I feel like a little girl again, and dammit, it feels good. Everything suddenly feels right. The missing piece of the puzzle that instantly falls into place.

"God, I missed you" Ma whispered in my ear, her chest moving while she inhales my aroma. "Please forgive me, Jady" she chokes up on a sob.

The last time I cried this much...I don't even remember.