Breaking Down

Chapter 17:

           Nathan was rolling on the bed, laughing at my misery. I hated him more than I ever knew was possible. Nathan used his cruelty to his advantage. He was going to try to do everything in his power to keep me under this thumb. The worst part about it was that some part of me didn't want it any other way.

           "That guy never gives up, does he? You must have really given it to him good." Nate's eyes were twinkling with his humor.

            "We haven't been together." I said, wrapping my arms over my bare stomach.

            "Seriously? Like never?" Nathan's eyes brightened. "That makes it even better."

           "What you made me do was wrong, Nathan." I said, frowning.

           "You should have seen your face. Your eyes were bulging out of your head like a bug. You had bug eyes." He was grabbing his sides.

           "It isn't funny." I said.

           "It is. I knew he hasn't touched you! That poor kid would never know how to handle a girl like you." He said.

              "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I got up off the bed and began searching for my panties. When I found them, I pulled them on quickly over my hips.

              "You are psychotic trash, Jess. It's a good thing you like to fuck everyone or nobody would want you at all." He laughed again.

              I began crying, full-on sobbing. Tears, sniffles, and running nose with snot. The whole bit. The pills I took were starting to kick in, but they didn't dull my pain quick enough. Nathan was on a mission to humiliate me. I'm surprised he didn't call Keith up to witness my suffering. Nathan usually liked having an audience when he wrecked someone.

             "Are you really crying? Aww, that's so cute. I like watching you cry." Nathan kept taunting me.

            "Why are you so mean to me?" I asked in a tiny voice.

            "Because I can." Nathan got up off the bed and walked to me. He kissed me on the forehead and wiped at my tears. He stuck his thumbpad to his mouth to taste them. Nathan was twisted. "Because I can do anything I want to you and you let me."

            Nathan smacked my ass and walked over to the counter to grab the little baggie of powder. He opened it and started to scoop some out. He began cutting a few lines on the counter, lining them up spaced perfectly apart.

           "Don't just stand there bawling like a little baby. Come get some of this." Nate said, looking back at me.

            "I don't want any." I sniffled. He rolled his eyes at me and bent his head down to snort the powder. He stood up and leaned his head back as he grabbed at his nose.

            "Shit, that's good. You're missing out. Just try a little, Jess." Nate said, trying to pressure me again. He knew it wouldn't take much to get me to agree to anything. I had terrible control of myself. It got worse the more off-balance I began to feel. What I just went through had me teetering on a seesaw. Nathan was going to jump on the other side to fly me through the air.

            I began walking over to the counter and reached out to grab the bottle of Jack. I placed it to my lips and gulped down as much as I could in between breaths. Nate leaned down to snort another line.

            "You are going to have to let loose a bit once we go on tour." Nathan said, pinching his nose. "You know they won't let you play if you get a reputation for being a stuck up bitch."

            "I don't think it works like that, Nathan." I said, taking another drink. I leaned against the wall staring at the way his tattoos moved every time he shifted. They looked like they were dancing on his skin. I was starting to lose my focus. A few more drinks and nothing would matter anymore.

             "Trust me, Jess. I know a lot more about this stuff than you do. It's hard being a female in this industry. If you're not willing to do anything, someone else will come by and take what you have from under you. I'm just looking out for your best interest, sweetheart. If you aren't interested in doing whatever it takes, let me know now so I quit wasting my time on you." He shrugged at me.

           I chewed on my lip, looking over at the tiny little lines. Nathan was right. I had to do whatever it took to keep myself one step above the rest who were fighting for their dream like I was. This was the right thing to do.

           The lines began chanting my name, calling to me to come to perform for them again. I could just have a little bit. It wouldn't be so bad. Just a tiny bit wasn't going to hurt me.

            Why was I such a mess? I should want to run from this. I shouldn't need this.

           "Jessa, stop. Don't do it. You can't give in." The tiny voice in my head was fighting to break through the cheers of the crowd. That voice was weak. Jessa Miller was anything but weak. I shoved the tiny voice down my throat and swallowed her.

           Nate was smiling at me and reached out to hand me the little straw-like contraption. I remember how excited he was when he bought it off the internet. He thought he was moving up in the world, no more rolled up paper or money. He was fancy now that he had his own studio.

          "That's my girl." He ran his hand over my back as he watched me.

            He stepped close behind me and began rubbing himself against me. He slid a hand down my bare stomach and into my panties. He pushed his fingers inside me and began pumping them in and out of me.

            I leaned down into the counter, preparing myself for the burn. I didn't like doing this. I had only done this one other time before. I swore after that night that I would never do it again. I would get my fix the old fashioned way. I would swallow my poison.

          "Go on, Jess. Do it for me." Nathan said leaning over me. He could sense my hesitation.

           I just closed my eyes and went for it.

           My head snapped up quickly when an earthshaking sound reverberated through the room. Did I imagine that noise? This stuff had to be good if I was already hearing thunder rolling in my head.

           The burning sensation in my nose spread through my head and down my throat. I wanted to cough and blow my nose at the same time. My mind was already starting to deteriorate rapidly. Everything was slowing down from the Benzos flooding my bloodstream. It would be minutes before I was flat on my back, riding my high.

            I swallowed when Nate looked at me with amusement. I guess he had heard the noise too. It wasn't just in my head.

            "Well, I wonder who that could be." He smiled, pulling his fingers from inside me.