Swear Jars and Babies (Book Four)

Chapter Fifty

Chapter Fifty

Are you ready for another bad poem?

One more off key anthem

And let your teeth sink in

Remember me as I was not as I am

It was nearing midnight when I found myself standing out on Liam's back porch, a beer in hand as I looked up at the night sky. I hadn't been able to sleep, not with all the shit going on inside my head.

"Beautiful ain't it?" Liam asked, joining me out on the porch. We both stood by the railing, our arms resting on it as we looked up at the stars.

"Yeah..." I whispered, taking a small sip of my beer.

"You okay?" Liam asked for what felt like the millionth time in the past two weeks.

I got it.

I understood that he was worried about me.

But I didn't need him to ask every single minute.

"I'm fine." I said, even though it was a complete and utter lie.

I felt like shit.

I felt like my world was completely shattered.

And I couldn't fix it.

I just couldn't find the stupid glue...

"You're a terrible liar." I groaned at that, turning to look at him with an annoyed expression.

"Why do you keep asking if you already know the answer, Liam? You know I'm nowhere close to being okay, so why bother asking? Can't we just accept the fact that I feel like I can't breathe and move past it?"

"It's my job to wo-"

"It's no ones job to worry about me. It's my job. My life. I'm not okay Liam, and I get that you're bloody worried... but every time you ask me if I'm okay, I'm reminded of the million reasons I have that make it so I'm not. I'm not okay, and it f ucking hurts." My voice cracked at the end, and suddenly I couldn't pretend I was okay for a second. The tears and anger I had held back for the past two weeks finally broke through.

"It's like he doesn't care. He doesn't give a shit about me or even us. He wouldn't even talk to me today when I picked up A.J. and that hurt. It f ucking hurt... all I want to do is scream at him that I love him... that he's all I need to be happy... but I can't, because somewhere deep inside I know that it's not that simple anymore. We've fallen so far apart that I can't even fath-fathom what the hell I have to do to fix it." I nearly yelled, letting out a very frustrated sigh as I looked back up at the sky. I couldn't decide if I wanted to scream as loud as I could or if I just wanted to cry...

To be honest it felt like I needed to do both.

"Haz..." Liam whispered, rubbing my back as I started to cry a little harder.

"I j-just want i-it to stop hurting."

"It's never going to stop hurting Harry... it never stops hurting. That's the thing about finding love that's genuine... It's beautiful, it makes you feel like you're invincible... but when you're hit down... it hurts like hell."

"I don't know where you're going with this..."

"It doesn't stop hurting, even when everything is fixed... You've still got a little piece of you that still hurts and it is always going to. You might forgive him, but there's always going to be the part of you that doesn't. You have to decide if that part of you is going to be the thing that stops you from being happy." Liam concluded, smiling at me sadly as I just stared at him.

Liam was supposed to be a philosopher.

Or an owner of a tumblr blog.

God.

"You should run a tumblr blog."

"I think I'll pass... but seriously Harry... you're gonna be okay. I know it doesn't feel like it right now... but you will be. And I bet you that you and Niall will be okay too... You'll live happily ever after with your kids... and if that doesn't happen... then I give you permission to call me Turtle Boy for the rest of my life." I snorted at that one, arching my eyebrows as I looked at Liam.

"I haven't called you that since high school... You straightened all my hair that one time when I told it to Alex and Louis."

"Exactly, so you realize just how serious I am."

"I guess so... Can I ask you something first though?"

"Ask away."

"Have you... Have you talked to him?" I asked quietly, honestly I didn't know if I wanted to know the answer.

"Yeah... I uh... I saw him earlier today." Liam said nervously, scratching at the back of his head as he looked away from me.

"H-How is he?" I asked, not really sure if I even wanted to know the answer.

I knew that if he was okay...

I would be even worse off.

"Honestly? I don't know Harry. He's... He's really good at hiding how he feels sometimes, but others you can tell he's about to fall apart at your feet. I think he's... I think he's confused and I think he's scared. But the problem is Haz... you can't be the one to fix it this time. He needs to... so promise me you won't fix it..."

"I... But what if he doesn't fix it?"

"Then ask yourself if he was really worth it... you always fought for him, but name one time where he's fought for you." With that Liam left me standing alone on the porch to think about it...

When had Niall ever fought for me?

------------------------------------

Wowza.

My heart breaks a million times.

Niall get your shit together.

So like I wrote the first chapter for Turtles and Cigarettes right before I wrote this, and it's a complete 180 haha.

I was in like this super happy mood and next thing I know, all I wanna do is cry and eat chocolate.

Jfc haha.

Anyways... Im surprised not very many of you know what Moulin Rouge is... in short summary it's about a writer who falls in love with a prostitute... There's a jealous duke and someone dies.

That's just the gist. It's a beautiful story in my opinion.

QOTD: What's your favorite chapter/scene from Shiver (just the first book) and why?

AOTD: My personal favorite is when Harry told Niall that he wasn't going to fight for him anymore (aka the scene where Harry punched Alex). My reason as to why is because it's absolutely heartbreaking, but I felt it proved a point that love isn't just a simple thing. I don't know haha :)

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Connie xx