The Mafia's Son II

Chapter Twenty One.

Guess who's back with another new chapter already :) I'm really trying to get back into my old updating schedule but it's hard when your mental health is shit and you can't concentrate on anything lmfao anyways enjoy babies, things are about to get dark & deep 🤍

Isaac's POV

Something jolts me out of my sleep and I'm quickly sitting up on my bed, sitting in the middle of the dark, trying to catch my breath, just like every other night since my aunt Veronica was killed.

Death, murder, blood, violence, these things- they aren't new to me, they're very familiar things in my life, things that I'm used too, but some how I can't seem to get my aunt dying out of my fucking head.

I replay that evening in my head over and over and over again, for plenty of reasons, Hailey being my main concern.

I could've lost her that night.

Hailey could've been the one in my arms bleeding out that night, rather than my aunt.

It could've been my mom, my dad, Jessica, anyone for the matter, but if something were to happen to her, if it were Hailey, I don't think that I could forgive myself knowing that she got hurt because of my familys doing, because of me..

And I carry that constant guilt with me every fucking day.

Hailey deserves so much better than I can give her, she deserves a quiet safe relationship, life, all I ever do is put her in danger.

Anything bad that's ever happened to her was because of me, because of the lifestyle style I live, and for some strange reason I was having a hard time dealing with that now a days.

I can't protect her every minute, every hour of the day like I would like to, especially not now that she lives so far away from me, in different territory, enemy territory.

I've mentally exhausted myself constantly worrying that somethings going to happen to her and I won't be able to get to her in time.

I'm so afraid of losing her that it's starting to drive me insane.

I've started to create my own world of paranoia and I didn't like it, I don't like this feeling what's so ever and I don't know how to shake it off.

The tables had quickly been turned around here, I needed Hailey more than she needed me now a days.

I need her here with me for me to stay soundly asleep, I need to feel her in my arms, I need to know that she's perfectly safe.

I wasn't necessarily having nightmares about what happened to my aunt but something was definitely waking me up, and it was the guilt..

I feel guilty for so many different things and honestly I didn't know how to deal with it anymore, but I also felt like I couldn't tell anyone about it. I'm afraid to show any type of emotion, I'm afraid of showing any type of weakness, I'm afraid of being degraded, afraid of letting my dad down all over again.

I felt guilty for not being able to feel sad about what happened to Veronica, I know that she's gone, but I can't seem to let myself feel it.

How could Fonzy's death possibly affected me more than my aunts, my own blood.

Hailey says that everyone mourns differently, that maybe it just hadn't hit me yet, maybe everything would come out the day of the funeral, I would let myself feel then, when the time was right, but I highly doubt it.

Don't get me wrong, the ache is there, I could feel the loss in my chest, but I can't seem to bring myself to cry about it, I don't know how to allow myself to feel anymore, I'm so used to pushing everything to side.