Him or Him
by @sorryarewefriends
First off, the chapter names are great! They amused me. The start of the book was nice. It was one of those "movie" beginnings, I suppose. Some things I noticed were the many grammatical errors. They're a quick fix, and I've seen worse. Still, with such intelligent writing, these errors stick out. Also, there were way too many I's. A rule that might help is the No Two Sentences Start With The Same Word (in a paragraph). It helps me a lot, and it forces the author to get creative! Another thing is about the asterisks. Please, this is not a role play. If it was, that'd be completely valid. This is a third person, formal book though. Don't use asterisks, and don't use parenthesis just for appeal or replacement of words. Last bit to cover is the dialogue. Some parts were confusing to follow, as the speaker would be left out at times. It made it all very confusion. Every other piece of dialogue should, at least, go back to the speaker. Other than those points though, I'd say the story was good. The characters were very well-developed. The idea is great. The only things lacking are technical errors. Good luck on your book!
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RandomWhat you need to know: 1. Must be your own work obviously 2. Everything I say is constructive criticism. I will be honest. (Here's a secret: There's no such thing as a perfect story) 3. I'm open to fan fiction. It'll just take me a while to review...
