ℝ𝔸ℕ𝔻𝕐 & 𝕁𝔸ℂ𝕂𝕃𝕐ℕ 𝕆ℕ𝔼𝕊ℍ𝕆𝕋𝕊🏳️🌈

I'm gay pt.1 (Randy)

RYAN'S POV
I'm here, sitting in the place I go to whenever I need to disconnect from everything and everyone, when I need time to think, time for myself and just myself.
Long story short, I'm here almost every day.

It's late, it's almost midnight and I'm here. Sitting on the pier, my legs dangling a meter from the water.
The moonlight, the only light source, creates an almost surreal effect on the water, a bit like when painters paint starry evenings with water in the background. It all seems so fake yet it is reality. Reality that is in front of my eyes.
It's just me in this place. I've always been here only and only me. I think that's what makes it special, not the fact that it's just me, but the fact that it's the only really calm place in the city. London is the loudest city I have been in and finding this place was like a miracle.
Another thing that makes this place special is that the moon is always visible. Take me for crazy, take me for what you want, but I like to talk to the moon, I know, it may sound crazy, but I think there really is someone listening to me, maybe it's my grandmother, she's gone a few months ago, or maybe it's someone else, but whoever it is, I feel listened to and even if I don't get advice, it's enough for me.
There is a beautiful phrase, spoken by I do not remember who says: "the moon is the only friend with whom the loner can talk". Personally, I don't consider myself a 100% loner, maybe 50 and 50, but that's not the point.

"I don't know what to do" I look up at the moon, bright as never before. "What do I do and how do I do it?"

I take my phone and turn it on, I stop to look at the photo that is a photo of the lock screen. It's the two of us, him in my arms, his head in the hollow of my neck, my hand on his head that gently caresses it, a smile on both of our lips. I honestly don't remember exactly why I was hugging him, nor can I explain the rest of my or his actions, but I know that at that moment it all seemed so right, I was feeling happy and it was the same for him.
I have to admit that he fits perfectly in my arms, they seem tailor-made for him.

It's been a long time since I hugged him, because after that day I began to understand. I began to understand that all those little actions, every little detail of our friendship, made our relationship unique. He made everything something more than what it seemed to our eyes, while our bandmates, and probably many other people, had understood everything, but in certain situations you can't start quickly saying what you think, so you shout your mouth, but that doesn't bother me.

I remember one day, I had just returned from my morning run, everyone was asleep, or so I thought. Without making a sound, so as not to wake them, I headed upstairs, but voices caught my attention. It was Sonny and Andy and I immediately found it strange. I didn't find it strange that they were talking, but that they were doing it in secret.
I tried not to give it importance, but the fact that Andy, my best friend, like a brother to me, was confiding a secret about him to another person, bothered me a lot. And so I went to the door of his room, closed, I put my ear to it and I listened to everything. I cheated on my best friend and I regret it, but on the other hand it's even better this way.

"I love him, Sonny, but he doesn't seem to notice anything"

"I think he needs time"

"Time? We have known each other for almost four years! "

"I know, I know" Andy's tears echoed through the room, the only sound audible in the whole house.

"I'm afraid" I say out loud. "I'm afraid because I know it and you know it, we live in a society where all this is not allowed" I tell the Moon. "I can't love him, what could I ever give him? I have nothing to offer him, I don't know how to deal with a relationship myself- "

I am interrupted by my cell phone ringing, Sonny is calling me. I know he's worried, I said I was going for a walk and that was two hours ago.

"What will people think?" "We all know that homosexual people are seen badly, they are beaten, sometimes they die because people's hatred is stronger than their pride in being themselves" I take a sigh, wiping the tears that run down my cheeks. "I don't want anyone to hurt him, he means everything to me and if he gets hurt because he's with me? How will I ever be able to feel good about myself?"

"I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared" "I'm scared to death, holy shit" I scream the last two words, the echo begins to be heard immediately after.

"He's beautiful. God if he's beautiful ""I state that I am not in love of him because he is beautiful, at least not only for this. I fell in love with him because he is him. Every little detail of him makes him perfect "

"When he felt "out of place" due to his weight, he thought he was ruining the band's image, I just couldn't figure out where he saw the problem in his body. I couldn't see the problem because there wasn't a real problem"

"Thinking about it I have always loved him, but something has made me understand only now"

"I'm afraid, moon. It's as if an avalanche of fear was overwhelming me more and more every day"

"When you are afraid it means that you have something to lose" I turn quickly to the voice that spoke, even if there is no doubt about who it belongs.