ℝ𝔸ℕ𝔻𝕐 & 𝕁𝔸ℂ𝕂𝕃𝕐ℕ 𝕆ℕ𝔼𝕊ℍ𝕆𝕋𝕊🏳️🌈

It's a beautiful song pt.2

I enter my three-room apartment, an apartment that needs expenses that I will no longer be able to pay. The band was taken away from me and as everything was taken away from me. Fighting for a lost cause makes no sense. To fight, in this case, would mean worsening the situation. Blair is capable of anything, Marcus too, I can’t drag Harper into such a situation.

So I stayed with my guitar, along with several of my mom's affectionate objects. In situations like this I would go to the cemetery, but it's closed.

I was going to get a little dog, to be less alone, but now that I no longer have a job and I don't even know how I will support myself, how can I afford a dog?

I change into a long gray T-shirt, a pair of black sweatpants and slip under the covers, exhausted and hoping that this is just a nightmare, even when it's clear it's not.

My eyes move to the picture placed on my bedside table where a photo of us is framed. The day we did it, I immediately went to the photographer to have it developed, I went to the shop next door and bought two simple black frames. At home I packed the gift and gave it to him that same evening. He loved it, he hugged me and didn't let me go for the next two minutes. It was wonderful. He said he would put it on the bedside table only if I did the same and so I did.

I have kept our photo on the bedside table for years, moving it only to clean and to hug it in moments when loneliness reached too high limits that even just breathing is difficult.

I take the picture, hugging it as if it were a puppet. My tears wet the pillow, my breathing becomes heavy, sobs make space along my throat. It's always like this, I want to be strong, but I can't, I end up throwing everything out, explode and when my body can't take it anymore, I can't stop.

I wonder so often why I always have to be a problem, I just don't understand it. I am kind to everyone, I love everyone, I help everyone who comes to me to ask for my help, why can’t I receive a little of what I always give to everyone? Why? Am I so wrong?

A loud noise from the door scares me to death. I put the picture back in its place, I get out of bed, my heart beat very fast in my chest, I feel my eyes burn and the tears dry on my cheeks.

The person outside the door stopped knocking, probably it left.

I open the door of the house, slowly and with the fear of who it might be. This is certainly not one of the best neighborhoods to live in, but for those who live alone and have the money I have, this is just fine. Being in a band doesn’t mean you’re rich and I'm not a star. Blair is in control of our money, he uses it for the shows we attend and for our merchandise which includes all possible gadgets.

"I'm sorry... I was leaving because I thought yuo were sleeping and..."

"Don’t worry"

"Did you cry?" I don't say anything, because there is nothing to say, the answer is in my eyes and on my cheeks.

"What are you doing here?"

"I wanted... can I come in?" I nod, letting him in.

I lock the door, turn to him, letting our eyes truly meet for the first time in weeks.

He's beautiful. He is the most beautiful boy my eyes have seen in 22 years of age. If perfection existed then he is perfection.

"I'm sorry" his voice, even in this case, will forever remain the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. I’ve dreamed so many times of the sweet sound of his voice, then awakening with tears in my eyes, a heightened sense of loneliness and a deeper internal emptiness.

"For what?"

“For everything, including Marcus” he looks around, his eyes scanning every corner of my tiny apartment. "It's nice here" he never came to my apartment, I don't know the reason, it's probably Marcus's fault.