ℝ𝔸ℕ𝔻𝕐 & 𝕁𝔸ℂ𝕂𝕃𝕐ℕ 𝕆ℕ𝔼𝕊ℍ𝕆𝕋𝕊🏳️🌈

Cause: repressed feelings part. 1 (Randy)

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Warning
suicidal thoughts
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ANDY’S POV
I don't know why, maybe he really hates me, like I've always thought. He makes fun of me regularly, all I have to do is stand in front of him, look him in the eye and listen to his insults towards me.
I think he has a sort of vocabulary of insults, at first they were always different but now they are always the same. And the insults are many but they never allude to my sexual orientation.

I don't care because what he says because whatever he says can hurt me like no one can do with the same words.

I've never loved anyone, but I love him with all of myself. Funny how things go sometimes.
I fell in love with his intelligence, his smile, his laugh and the way he relates to others, everyone else but me. During the lessons, when he is questioned about something he manages to surprise me with his speaking skills.

The only person he misbehaves with is me. I am the only one he insults and this causes wounds upon wounds. I’ve asked myself the reason several times, but I’ve never found an answer... maybe there isn't even one.

"Andrew" I stop abruptly as soon as I hear his voice.

"Please" I never asked him to not insult me but today I really feel I can't do it. I already have enough pain running through my veins.

"Please? Really?" he walks up to me, two more steps and I feel his warm breath on my face. “How can I not make fun of you? My routine…"

"I beg you, not today" my tears are already filling my eyes, faster than I want. I cried all night, after a completely random man slapped me and forced me to give him a blowjob for no reason and, back home, my dad thought that adding pain by kicking me, because I forgot to buy ketchup, it was a good idea.

I don't want to fall apart in front of him or the whole school. One touch and I could fall to the ground destroying myself, like a crystal glass.

"What's this? Couldn't sleep? Poor little one…” I clench my jaw, a tear threatens to get out but I wipe it in time.

"What have you got there?" he takes the book I have in my hand, gives it a dirty look and immediately starts laughing, finding it funny that I read a history book.

"Ryan, I beg you" my voice comes out almost like a whisper, barely audible.

"You are... you are so weak" how can I deny such a statement?

"Why I only now realized why nobody wants you" another statement that hurts, very badly, but it's fucking true.

If there is one good thing about him, it’s that every time he says something about me he tells the truth.
He says nobody wants me and it's true.
I go to the prom because my mom is so happy and seeing her smile is priceless; I do all the projects that the teachers assign to us by myself... and I could go on forever.

The truth, as he said, is that nobody wants me. I only have my mom and it's thanks to her that I'm still alive.

I am a mistake and I know it.

"Not only are you ugly, I can hardly look at you... you are pathetic, you are worthless" insults upon insults, but he had never said that I am worthless. These words hit almost like a bullet, straight to the heart.

And without being able to hold back the tears, as he said, I'm too fragile to even do something to avoid it or to be able to breathe properly.
I never cried in front of him and never had the intention. I usually hide in the bathroom to cry. The emotions are too overwhelming, the pain, physical and emotional, also because of what happened last night, is something unbearable.

"Andy?" I can't see him because of the tears, but I can hear his voice and he has something different, but I can't determine what. He touches my arm and immediately a jolt of pain breaks through me.

"I have to go" I try to say.

I open the door near the fire escape, go up the stairs and open the other door that separates me from inside the school to the outside.
The cold air hits me instantly, I wipe my tears to avoid falling among the pebbles and I get closer and closer to the large and thick ledge.

I point my eyes towards the sky, blue and immense, I look down and everything is so small and distant: the cars, the people, the buildings, the animals, the trees, everything.

I feel so tempted to climb this ledge, feel the breeze that you...

"Fuck you!" I go up to the ledge, the cold air penetrates my clothes, I tremble, not only from the cold, but for everything. I tremble, perhaps because my body can't take it anymore.

I feel his kicks on my body, his hands grabbing my hair and pulling it, Ryan's insults, the laughter of others. But as I hear all this, I also hear my mom's voice saying “good night my love, see you tomorrow morning” and I'm in constant balance between agreeing to the first rumors or whether to agree with my mother's sweet voice.

I pull up the hands of the sweatshirt, the bruises on my arm completely exposed to the cold December air. I open my arms as if I were a child who wants to try to fly. If I let myself go, sticking out one foot and then the other, I could fly just as many children wish.

Fly. I could fly ...

And by the time I land there will be nothing left.

"Andy" his voice almost scares me. I turn to him and not having my eyes full of tears I can see an expression that no one has ever had in looking at me. I can see the pain in his eyes, but I can't understand what kind of pain is. "Please don't do it"

"Why should I listen to you?"

"I’m begging you"

“I've always listened to you, Ryan! I've always listened to all your insults over the past couple of years” he thinks I didn't notice but I did. He has taken a few steps forward and so he is getting closer and closer to me. "Stay away from me"

"No, Andy, I beg you, come down from there"

"Why should I? It's all so beautiful here” I look down and everything turns out to be even smaller. “It's all so small. A world that has shown itself to be the biggest and strongest with me is now small, very small" "It seems a different world, fucking beautiful and perfect, where everything goes exactly as it should go. What a big bullshit!"

I lose myself completely in the immensity of the sky. Everything is so blue. Blue could become my favorite color. Then I look down and it seems to me like I’m the boss of everything and everyone, I feel so big and powerful. Powerful against a world of people who used his strength against me… why? Is there a fucking answer to why I must have had to suffer so much?

Why can't I let go? I just have to lean out a little bit more and it's all over. Only a few centimeters separate me from the end.

I can't stop writing about Randy but I'm definitely gonna write about Jacklyn as well.
Hope you enjoyed the first part🌵💞