ℝ𝔸ℕ𝔻𝕐 & 𝕁𝔸ℂ𝕂𝕃𝕐ℕ 𝕆ℕ𝔼𝕊ℍ𝕆𝕋𝕊🏳️🌈

A kiss that was not meant to be given (Randy)

ANDY'S POV
"The Big Dipper should be there" I pointed my finger in the direction where I was sure the Big Dipper was, showing it to him.

"How do you know?"

"I can say that I studied a lot with my mom" I turned my face towards him and in this exact moment my eyes got lost in him.

His face was so close, I could feel his breath on mine, our lips were so close and our eyes were practically fused together. Brown met blue.

"Do you miss your mom?"

"As if my oxygen had been removed"

I don't know how long we stayed in this position. The silence enveloped us, our eyes could not detach themselves from each other and I could not understand how all this could be possible.

He was a stranger to me, but faster than I thought possible, he had become my friend and in a short time he had become something that not even I, or he, could explain.

"Can I kiss you?" I shook my head, as if to wake up from whatever had taken me at that moment.

"Why do you want to kiss me?"

"I don't know"

The reason why he wanted to kiss me was unknown and I was even more confused. He had brought so much confusion into my life from the first moment, making me question my sexuality. I thought I was bisexual, but then I realized that I only liked boys, then, instead, I realized that I liked a boy, that I was in love with a boy and after four years, at the age of nineteen, I was no longer sure that I could fall out of love with him.

Another form of confusion overwhelmed me when he decided he wanted to spend more time with me. Immediately I thought that it had only and exclusively to do with the school project that had been assigned to the two of us, but I was wrong because he wanted to be with me even without having a school reason.

He probably didn't even know why he was doing what he was doing, but in the end it was okay for me, deep down, because I could finally be with the one and only person I really wanted to be with.

His lips slowly leaned against mine, remaining there for a few seconds before the dance of our lips really began.

They were so smooth, soft and had that taste that I was already addicted to.

I had never given my first kiss, that was my first kiss and that was fine with me. That was the kiss I've always waited for.

We let go after almost thirty seconds, our eyes still closed and when I opened them again he was looking at me in the only way I wouldn't have expected him to have looked at me.

He almost felt guilty, regretted what he had just asked and done.

"I'm sorry"

"Rye-"

"I'm sorry, I mean... fuck... I didn't... I shouldn't have... I don't know why I did it"

He got up quickly and left, leaving me lying there on the lawn of the garden in front of my house, my eyes so full of tears that I could no longer see anything, my heart aching.

I couldn't understand why me. I couldn't understand why the slightest sign of love would make me fall apart immediately afterwards.

The person I loved had just turned me down. I knew I wouldn't have a chance with him. He was Ryan Beaumont. I was perfectly aware that there would never be anything between him and me, but the way he began to look at me made me start to hope, it gave me the illusion that maybe I too could be loved by someone, for the sake of it, for the first time in six years. I knew I was stupid, when people can't stop telling you you arem you end up believing it, but I didn't think that far.

My roommate left the house, screaming for some reason. "What the fuck are you doing there?!" he walked past me, kicking me to move. "Useless piece of shit"

***

"Take a sit and do not leave rubbish"

I was able to afford the class trip by a miracle. The principal had allowed me to do some free school work, such as cleaning the bathrooms and the gym, so that I could afford to go on a trip.

They all sat on the bus, running to get the best seats, while I sat in one of the free seats.

Once everyone had taken their seats, I realized I was the only one who didn't have anyone near, but it was certainly nothing to be surprised about.

I was always stupid enough to think that someone would have the courage to sit next to me, maybe talk... the things people usually do.

To be loved... would have been a dream.

I looked out the window as the hours passed and we got closer and closer to Dublin. The laughter and voices of my classmates played in the background and I kept wondering if there was even the remote possibility that one day I could be as happy as them.

After three hours of traveling we stopped in a service area, everyone ran off the bus and I was one of the last, but I would have preferred to be the last. One of the many guys who really didn't like him had decided to wait for me to do what he most loved to do; he pushed me off the bus. Why? I don't know.

"You miss your mom... poor"

It didn't take much to make me cry. I was emotionally unstable and did not know what to do with it, whatever was said to me sent me on the verge of tears for the simple reason that whatever was said to me went straight to a point that should not have been touched.

For a reason that has always been unknown to me, the fact that my mum, the only person who had ever truly loved me, was dead was something to make fun of. They didn't have to work to eat and go to school, but I did, they didn't live in a shared house with four other people, but I did. Anything of mine was perfect for making fun of me.

"Your arm is bleeding" he touched me gently and at his touch I almost jumped, frightening him and making him withdraw his hand backwards.

"Why are you talking to me?" two weeks had passed since the kiss and he hadn't even said a word to me, so why he wanted to talk to me like that, out of the blue, wouldn't do me any good, on the contrary, it would only bring me more pain.

"Andy-"

"I don't know what game you were playing and if you are playing it again, but stop it"

"I'm not playing any games" he whispered, unable to look me in the eye.

There was something that upsetted him and I could understand it. It had been more than a month, maybe two months, now that there was something different about him, I couldn't understand what, also because I didn't know him that well. It was impossible not to notice that he was no longer smiling as before, that the way he rubbed his hands meant that something made him uncomfortable or worried, his eyes were many times pointed downwards and when he was talking to his friends it looked like it was on another planet. They were little things that together made me worry. I was worried because I desperately wanted to do something to help him, but what happened between us prevented me.

"Hey love, what are you doing?" "love" hit me in an inexplicable way. I felt a void inside me that I wasn't sure I'd be able to fill.

Before he could say anything, Amy, the girl who was apparently his girlfriend, took him by the hand and together they headed to the bathrooms of the service area, making me just imagine what would happen in a few minutes.

I was on the verge of yet another crying crisis, I felt everything growing quickly inside me. They were growing and overwhelming emotions that I was sure I would not be able to restrain or control.

I immediately got on the empty bus, taking my seat as before.

I'm not particularly happy with how this turned out, but the second part, which comes out on Tuesday, is much better. 

Hope you enjoyed it though🌵💞