Eternal Spring ~Namjin

Dubious

Jin's POV

I lay awake on my bed contemplating the events of the past few weeks, my mind still wary of the consequences of the media stint that created a buzz, it seemed as if my life had slipped out of my grasp just with one news article and photographs of precious moments that Namjoon and I had spent together.

Now that I look back and reminisce those moments, I can't help but feel a strange eeriness that creeps its way up to my mind shunning my conscience, I always believed we were never wrong, our love was as pure and faithful as the word itself, why now then it is being looked down upon? Just because we are two men.

Why can't people see the love we have for each other is just as normal as the romantic fantasies the world has! Two people who want to spend a lifetime with each other, sharing the burdens of our life whether they be the sad moments or the happy ones until death do us apart. Why must gender come in between this feeling? Who coined it as a sin for people of the same sex to be in love? Why is it wrong? Why are we different from others? These questions swarmed in the pool of my mind as I lay silently weeping, I did not want to burden Joonie any more than I already had, I know he himself was going through so much but refused to let his guard down before me because he knew I was emotionally vulnerable at the moment and I can't blame him either.

I lost my job, my freedom to walk outside freely, to even stand next to the window to get a glimpse of the world as there were eyes all around like hungry predators waiting to pounce on a single glimpse, they get of me in Joonie's house and flood the social media again with their whimsical stories. I was confided in Namjoon's pad with a monotonous routine of waking up with a kiss on my forehead from him, eating breakfast with him until I bid him adieu for work, and then spending my day either involving myself with the household chores or lay awake staring at the walls or watching some futile dramas or movies that I had no interest in. The more time I spent within these four walls the more disconcerted I felt with myself and the world. I hadn't spoken to my Oemma or Sunghoon ever since the incident, even Changmin had tried to reach out to me but I sent her a message saying  I needed some time and ever since then I had switched off my phone and locked it up in the cupboard, Namjoon kept in touch with them and informed them of my health but I could never bring myself to talk to them even when they insisted but today, I needed it and I called the only person who could calm my raging heart.

Hello Jin? is that you? I could hear oemma's relieved voice through the speaker and I couldn't help shed a single tear as I heard her voice.

Oemma how have you been doing? I managed to speak trying to hold back the sob that threatened to let out anytime soon.

Oh my god jin you don't know how relieved I feel on hearing your voice my baby, are you okay? Have your wounds healed? do you feel better? Are you still in pain? Are you taking your medicines on time? Oemma flooded me with a spree of her questions.

I am fine Oemma don't worry, I am better now I am extremely sorry for ignoring you for a month, I know how worried you must have been and you would have felt sated on hearing my voice but I kept you away from that peace of mind for a month, I am terribly sorry Oemma, I spoke as I could no longer hold back my sobs.

Jin, my baby you don't need to apologize for it, I can't even begin to imagine what you must have been going through, you don't need to be sorry for anything my baby, by now Oemma too was silently weeping as she spoke and that pained me more as I broke down completely.

I am not okay Oemma, i- I am not o-okay, I hate this, why am I being punished for something which isn't even my fault, why am I being treated this way? J-just because i- I love namjoon, why should I be treated this way for loving someone, I did n-nothing wrong, I screamed into the phone as I fell to the ground curling myself into a fetal position wailing my heart out, I am aware I should not be doing this, it will only hurt my mother more on hearing my pained sobs and emotional dilemma but I could not keep it in any longer. I am tired, I want to be freed of this burden that weighs down heavy on my heart, some days I feel as if I can't breathe, I feel I am drowning in the endless ocean of despair with nobody to give me a hand and save me. Do you know the names they call me on SNS and news channels, they think of me like a whore, a gold- digger, luring namjoon in my charms just for his fame and money, they pass remarks on my character without even knowing the real me, I hate this I can no longer take it, it hurts me, nobody can do anything about it, I don't wanna burden namjoon any more than I already have but I can no longer take it Oemma, help me please, I wailed loudly speaking through choked sobs as I heard her crying too on the other line making me loath myself further.