Neuro and Alex came outside...
I stood up with Meredith by my side. ''and?!'' ''she might have a spinal cord injury'' ''so she might be paralyzed from the middle down for the rest of her life? Is that what you're saying?'' ''Yes Dr. Shepherd, thats what I'm saying'' ''Are-are you sure?'' ''We're going to do a MRI-scan right now, we'll know more in a little'' ''thank- you''
I walk away into an on-call room. I throw the door shut and begin to throw stuff around. Suddenly I hear someone talk to me. ''Derek, what the hell man?'' Mark yells at me. I fall to the ground and start sobbing. Why does nobody know that my little girl was in an accident. ''Whats wrong?'' ''Ellis-Ellie- she almost died'' ''she what!?'' ''she was in a car accident, she might gave a spinal cord injury'' ''oh mann, how is Meredith doing?'' ''terrible, she is a wreck, they're bringing her up to do a MRI right now''
Mark pulls me up and sets me down on a bed. ''you have to be strong for Meredith man, lets go, lets go see her'' I get up and we walk down the hall, I see Meredith. She is just staring at the wall. I walk up to her and she looks up at me. ''Derek, where did you go?'' I sit down next to her and wrap my arms around her, at that moment she starts sobbing. I hold my tears back and just hold her tight.
Alex is walking up to us, and he has a worried look on his face. ''What- what is it?'' ''She is paralyzed from the middle down, but there is a possibility to operate and fix it..'' ''Well- then why arent we operating right now?'' ''Because the only person who can do that operation is you..'' I almost choke. ''Excuse me? You want me to operate on my own daughter, isnt there a law that that is not allowed?'' ''there is, but when family is the only surgeon that can operate, there is an exception..''
''I- I cant do it, what if I kill her, what if I screw it up, I- I cant, I cant live with the fact I might kill my own daughter, these kind of operations have a survival rating of 38%, you cant just walk up here, and tell me that I am the only possibility my little girl can walk again..'' ''Just think about it, Derek'' stay strong Derek, stay strong, you have to stay strong, for Meredith. Alex walks away and I sit down.
''Derek?'' ''Meredith- I cant live with the fact I could've saved her, but I could also never live with the fact that I killed my own daughter'' ''I know, I know, its your choice, I understand if you do want to do it, but I also understand if you dont, there are drawbacks to both, if I was the person who had to operatie on my child, I think I'd do it''
''You do?'' ''Yeah, I think'' ''Alright, I'm going to operate, we have to get an OR ready now, the more time we lose, the more difficult it gets. I get into my scrubs and put on my ferryboat scrubcap, I'm scared as hell, but I have to do this. I scrub in and walk into the OR. ''Hi everybody, it's a- beautiful night to save lifes'' I walk up to Ellis and stand over her head. ''Hi honey, you're going to get a good sleep right now, and daddy will fix you, okay?'' ''okay daddy'' ''I love you honey'' I give her a quick kiss on her forehead and turn around.
The anesthesiologist does his thing and I make sure she is asleep. Lets get started. ''Scalpel'' around 6 hours later, I'm done for 50% but the next part will be the hard part. ''Suction please'' Meredith is standing in the gallery. She looks at me with concerned eyes. ''Meredith, talk to me, whats going on in your head right now'' I say, I know she can hear me because the intercom is on. "I'm scared, Derek, I believe in you, for 100%, but I'm still scared, you never know what happens''
''I know, I think I'm going to be done in about 4 hours, so go home and take a shower, if something happens I'll page you immediately'' ''o-okay, I'll see you later, goodluck'' she turns around and walks out of the gallery.
4 hours later
We closed the gallery, because we knew that last step was going to be a difficult one, I had to think straight and I didnt need distractions around me. When I did it, my entire body filled up with adrenaline. I just made the last cut, and I felt nauseous. ''take my mask off'' ''what?'' ''take off my mask, right now!'' he took it off, and I threw up. I just stood there breathing heavily. I could hear the door open but I didnt look up.
Everything went in slowmotion. Suddenly I felt a pair of arms wrapped around me. It was Meredith. ''I- I-'' ''Its okay Derek, its okay, calm down, we're going to be okay'' she grabbed me a stool and I sat down, I layed my head in my hands and just looked at the ground. ''Derek , look at me'' I looked at her. ''It WILL be okay!''
''I-"
