One Night... Stand?

Defeat

Lucky for us, there was an emergency meeting for all faculty and staff in our school that they had to call everyone that there will be no class today, which meant that we have free time. Although we still have to go to school and do our chores, I asked my parents if I could stay at home. Both were worried when I got home yesterday since I skipped dinner and didn't came out until this morning.

"I'll be fine Dad. Just uhm,  not in a great mood to socialize." I pulled my blanket up to my face, curling up and hugging my body pillow. "Are you sure you and Connor did not fight at all?" He asked, his voice troubled. "No we didn't. It's just me today, Dad."

"Okay, I'll leave you to it then. Keri will be home as well since she didn't want to go to school. Can I trust you guys here?" 

"Yep, we'll be fine. Think we'll just get food delivered here later and can I invite Connor over?" I asked for permission. I wanted to be transparent to my parents with my relationship. I don't want them to be suspicious, as they have trusted me and approved my decision. "Of course you can Dale, I'm sure he is just as worried as we are."

"Thanks Dad." Then I heard the door closed shut. There was a small mumbling noise behind my door then it faded away. My Mum must be worried sick since last night. "Dale honey, we left some food for you as well if you get hungry." Mum called out, without opening my door.

I stayed on my bed for the rest of the morning. I did not sleep at all, just thinking of what had exactly happened yesterday.

I thought it was going to be fun. I thought he was really genuine on his words that he will make it up to me. I thought things would have not progressed to the worst, but it didn't. Roy Lance left a mark on me. He kissed me and he knew that I will fall for it.

Why am I even feeling this way right now? I shouldn't do this to myself. I'm honest to everyone I know, I try my best to. But why can't I just tell Connor about this and put and end to it? Did I really enjoy that feeling? Was I really taking a risk?

Heh, this is really stupid. I whispered to myself, pressing my head into my pillow. I desperately wanted to hurt myself over this. I've done it a few times, why can't I do it now? I don't think Connor will notice it anyways.

Yes, I do self harm. There's nothing to be scared of it. But I don't really do it unless I wanted to feel something else. And most of the time, Connor was there to comfort me. But I don't want to drag him down with my self-pity all the time. I hate myself for being such a wuss.

Yet here I am, contemplating on what happened yesterday. Roy kissed me. Why can't I simply get over it and think of it as just another kiss I would get from any other guy? Just ignore it and pretend like it didn't happen, right? Why does it feel so wrong yet so right? Now I'm a total cliché.

I reached for my phone on my nightstand. So far, I got ten missed calls:  five from Connor, two from Roy,  and one each from Mum, Dad and Keri. I also received a from Connor saying how worried he was after I left a voice mail to him of me crying and saying how much I love him. I played his recording.

"Dale baby, I hope you are okay. I'm sorry I can't be there with you tonight. My parents had planned a dinner with some friends and told me as I was just about to head over to your place. Don't worry I'll come over at your place around noon and we can just hang out. Maybe go out on a date, if you want. I love you."

Then another voice mail from Roy. He had the fucking guts on leaving one for me to listen, but I did.

"Hey Dale. Look, I'm really sorry for what I did. I'm being a jerk here and that was really stupid. But can we please talk about it? I know I shouldn't force you into doing this but I want to resolve this. If not, then just forget about me."

Now I am absolutely torn apart. I love Connor with my everything and I would do anything to keep everyone from keeping us apart. I love him so much, that I'd end up hurting myself over and over if I ever lose him.

Roy is just another excuse of a guy. He has a girlfriend right now and he should at least be content with that. But his words 'I like you Dale'  is running laps in my head. Are we good friends, sure. Do I like him? Yeah as a friend. But do I 'like' him? Now that's the real question.

Am I really willing to go beyond my capacity to love? What if I do this, what will be the worst consequence? The obvious one is that Connor leaving me and I can't handle that. What else? Am I just about to fall for this guy, who I barely knew and cheat on my boyfriend? I am contented but... There should be no buts. There should be no grey area.

One thing for sure though, I need to talk to Roy.