Red Eyes

8. Smoke it away

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"Tell me what happened.."

I'm cold. I feel cold and stupid and embarrassed and just, I feel disappointed in myself. I can't answer Kenma. I'm so stupid and I'm scared he will tell me that. What do I even say when I have no idea how I feel?

"You okay?"

"I guess."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"I think.."

"Did....were you forced?"

"No! No. Nothing like that."

"No? Um..

Shit..

Did..did you go all the way?"

He is making an expression that I haven't seen before. I knew he would be disappointed.

"No, only that." His expression fades and he lets out a sigh of relief.

"Did he do something?" Kenma asks, not understanding why the creature in his arms is distressed.

"No, he didn't do anything."

"I'm sorry...I'm not getting what's going on here. What happened? Why are you crying if he didn't do anything wrong?"

"I thought I wanted to..."

"But you didn't?"

I hesitate, letting the silence grow louder. Although it wasn't awkward silence, it was more calming than anything.

"I can't explain it...He asked if it was okay, I said yes. He didn't do anything wrong. Please don't be mad at him. I wanted to prove Kuroo wrong but I just....It didn't feel right. After I realized what I was fully doing. It didn't feel right that it was with him. I'm sorry". I bury my head into his chest, more tears start to fall as fear starts to win over. Kenma doesn't say anything, instead he hugs me tighter.

I don't think I would have anything to say to myself either. He probably will tell me that I asked for it and that I insinuated it.

"I know you're disappointed in me." I say not looking up from his chest.

"Why? Why would I be disappointed?"

His voice is filled with care and his touch was so gentle as if he thought I'd be scared of it. Like I would push him away if he held on too tight. I get to have Kenma by my side right now to help me. I get to feel his warmth and take in his scent. I lose that fear. No one hurt me or attacked me but somehow I feel safe. Safer than what I felt at that moment.

"It wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything and even if he didn't do anything wrong either, it's okay for you to feel this way. Just because he didn't force you doesn't mean that you can't feel shitty about the situation. You just have to talk to him about it too...you can't just...you know...suck dick and disappear."

I giggle but stay quiet and hold him tighter. I'm so relieved.

He isn't mad at me. He made my feelings valid and yet I still can't figure out what's wrong and right at this moment. It just didn't feel right at the end. I begged for it practically. I asked him first and he kept asking me if it was okay and I kept saying yes. It's my fault.

I stand up from the floor, leaving his warmth, and walk towards Kenma's room. He follows behind me not really knowing what I plan on doing.

I open the door to his room, walking in and grabbing a hoodie from his closet. He smiles and sits on his bed.

I put it on as I walked up to his drawer, opening it, and pulling out his little box that makes me feel happy.

"Can I?"

"Knock yourself out."

I open the box, take out the grinder and hand the rest to Kenma. I open the grinder, putting in a gram to break it up. After a couple of twists, I open it and turn the grinder upside down, letting everything inside drop to the tray on Kenma's lap. He starts packing a blunt for me and I go to open his window to let out the smell.

He licks the wrap and presents it to me.

"Here."

I walk closer to him and he puts it on my lips. I hold it in place as he puts the lighter up to my face, burning the end of the blunt.

I inhale, letting the familiar feeling hit me.

"God, I needed this"

Kenma hums in response and starts rolling another one.

"One for you and one for me"

I smile at him and turn towards the window, blowing out the smoke. A few coughs and I can feel my eyes getting heavy. The feelings of sadness and guilt and whatever the fuck I was feeling earilier all going away.

I love this feeling.

Being able to smoke shit away and become numb was addicting.

All problems disappearing, forgetting everything, and things going back to being a vibe. Not being able to remember what you were upset about. I don't know what I feel most of the time. I am so lost and when it comes to opening up to Kenma or Kuroo, I never have the words to explain it to them fully.

"What do you feel is missing?"

I have no idea. I just know that something doesn't feel complete. Life is shit and I have no idea where to go with it.

Then again...why do I care? Being human just sucks ass. They live life working their asses off. I wanna live mine care free. Live it like driving in the middle of the night with music blasting and smoking weed.

"We should go on a late night drive" I turn to Kenma. Half of my blunt was already gone and he was already smoking from his.

"I can't drive." He giggles to himself.

"With Kuroo." I say turning shit all serious.

Kenma looks at me and focuses on my face.

"You sure?"

This boy really will try everything to make me happy and comfortable and I love him for it.

"Yes, just don't say anything about today. I don't want him knowing."

"You gonna say sorry though?" He asks me, walking towards me where the window is.

"As long as he says sorry too. Yea, sure whatever. I'll say sorry. I just want you both here."

Kenma gets his phone from the bed and dials Kuroo. Two rings in and you can hear his voice through the phone.

"Hello?"

"Kuro, come bring your car over"

"You using me for transport?"

"Y/n asked for you"

Kenma looks me in the eyes and since Kuroo didn't say anything I try and lighten up the mood

"Bring money for weed too!!" I say with a louder voice than usual, hoping that he can hear me.

"I am being used."

With that he ends the call, leaving Kenma and I waiting for him.

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Quick thing I want to say.

Next chapters will most likely be just the three fucking around and just lots of fluff before the story starts to move forward again.

Slow Burn Bitches :)