The Surrogate || kth au || EDITING

42

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i wish
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"Hello, my name is Dr. Choi. It's very nice to make your acquaintance." The tall man reached out his hand to shake mine. I didn't take his offer, I was already in a bad mood and decided to have a seat.

He awkwardly sat down, sensing that I would be unreceptive. "So what are you here about? Anything in particular?" He began, taking out his binder and opening it.

"My husband forced me here."

"Well why do you think that is?" He asked. I knew what he was doing, I wasn't going to get sucked in that easily.

"He's just overdramatic."

"There has to be something you're willing to talk about. We have an hour. Tell me about yourself."

I was silent at first, annoyed that I was actually here doing this at the ass crack of dawn. I could think of a million things I'd rather be doing than be here. Dr.Choi sat waiting, he wasn't backing down, so I spoke.

"I'm a mom." I said blankly.

"Do you enjoy it? Being a mom?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"What makes it enjoyable?" He asked, he seemed genuinely intrigued. I'm sure he's practiced that look dozens of times.

"Believe it or not being a mom is the easiest thing I've ever done. It's a lot of work, so it's difficult in that regard. The late nights are hard, but at the base of it all it's very simple. He needs me and I'm there. Loving my son is easy."

For me, having Soobin brought some consistency to my life. I never have to wonder what he thinks of me. He loves me because I'm his mom and I love him because he's my son.

Dr. Choi began to write, I took that as a bad sign. "Is that it?"

"About what?"

"About you?" He asked. "Is that all there is?"

"I like drawing. I was a graphic designer before I stopped working."

"And what do you like about drawing?"

"It's calming. I can do whatever I want, I become unbridled if you will." I replied. "And I'm good at it."

Dr.Choi wrote some more, unsettling me. "What are you writing?" I asked boldly. He wasn't thrown off by my sudden question at all.

"Patterns." He replied simply.

"And what patterns are those?"

"Based on the few things you've told me I see you value stability. You shun risk. When you draw you're in control and with your son you know he needs you and that he will never leave. Is that right?"

I sat quietly, I wasn't going to dignify his assumptions with an answer.

"You don't have to answer that now." He said, exhaling tiredly. "Why do you think that is? Why can't you let go?"

I thought about his question. I didn't have an answer. "There isn't really a straight answer to that question."

"Try your best."

I tried my best to say what I felt. "When you let go of a situation—when you lose control and—and roll the dice bad things happen."

"Bad things? What kind of bad things?"

Like drunk sex, fake deaths, and breakups.

"Lots of things. Too many to name."

"What about right now? Would you say you've let go or that you're in control?"