The Surrogate || kth au || EDITING

22

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rise to the occasion pt.3
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I zipped up my suitcase and began rolling it towards the door. I had to go on a trip for a few days to scope out some things. I was emotionally drained from my dealings with Ji-eun and my spirits were dampened. It was the early hours of the morning and the lobby was usually empty, but my employees sat idly in the lobby along with a lone man reading a book silently.

"Good morning Mr. Kim." They all said politely. I nodded to them and continued on my way to the sleek suburban parked out front where my driver waited to drive me to the airport. There were more cars parked along the side of the street than usual, they obviously weren't guests of the hotel so I found it weird. Getting into the car I mentioned it to my driver. "I think they may be police, one of them has a badge." He said referring to the men that sat in the cars. I tensed up nervously, thinking about all the people who stayed at my hotel and how the police may be interested in their identities.

"Thank you, we can go now." I said dismissively. The driver did as he was told and we drove towards the airport.

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I gently placed Soobin's car seat into the vehicle, being careful not to wake him. I was going to drive to the port, load the car into the ferry and go into Jeju. Once I put him in securely I got into the drivers seat and started the car. Soobin had an appointment with a photographer in Jeju.

I was a little wary of taking him out so early, but I knew if I didn't get these pictures I'd regret it later. As I drove to the dock I just kept thinking about Yoongi, and where we stood now. I was afraid of how our dynamic could change. I was afraid to love him, just like I was afraid to love Taehyung. Only this time it's harder for me to just run away from my problems like I usually do. This is my family now, but I just can't help but feel caught in the middle.

I knew Yoongi cared for me, but having sex a second time meant more. It meant Yoongi was ready to take steps toward something I wasn't ready for. A relationship. We've only had sex twice, and yes once is enough, but not to know if you love someone. There's a little morecriteria for that than just having sex.

I didn't want to love again. Just to be hurt. That's why I ran away from Taehyung. When he said he loved me it scared the shit out of me and I was afraid to feel it back. But Yoongi was different, He didn't have to say anything, I felt it.

My heart told me I could only love one man. And that man is dead, but I can't let him go. The sex was good for filling the void he left but it was only temporary.

Something in me wanted love, but I was ashamed.

Taehyung in our fondest moments was caring, gentle, practical, vulnerable, admirable and more. Yoongi was alluring, precocious, protective, and a savior. I didn't know if I loved them, or if I was afraid of them, or didn't love either of them, or that I was afraid of what I was doing to them both.

It was only natural for me to be attracted to Taehyung, I was carrying his baby. That's the most intimate connection two people can have. For Yoongi, it was how unconventional he was, how he let his heart lead him.

Maybe I should've given myself the right to love, to live, to experience, but Jungkook has only been dead for a year. I've slept with two different men already, that's a betrayal within itself, but I felt that the commitment to either of them would be the nail in coffin.

The realization that life without him was possible, that it could happen, and that it was real, and that it could even be beautiful.

I put the car into park, we had arrived at the busy port. Many people in town worked in Jeju so they'd all go to Cheonjin port and file into the ferries that picked up everyday on schedule. I got out of the car and got Soobin from the backseat, he was still asleep. I lugged his seat into the terminal where I waited for my passport to be processed. Once it was done I headed with Soobin onto the ferry to enjoy the quaint twenty minute ride.