Indecisive (Loki Laufeyson x Bucky Barnes x Reader)

CHAPTER 12

Y/N's POV:

I awoke dripping in sweat, thrashing my legs underneath the comforter. Over the past few nights, I had been having dreams and nightmares of the events that happened that night.

A constant reminder of the things I could've done to prevent my mistake.

That's how I see it.

My mistake.

Guilt flowed through me the moment I stepped out of my room or pulled the earbuds from my ears. The only two things that were keeping me sane the past few days.

My escape from the burdening thoughts and visions of the night it all went wrong.

I couldn't remember much from that night after I was carried out of the lab, but Tony told me he didn't know how I got back. Security photos and videos had been erased.

Like nothing happened.

Blurs of moments appeared and disappeared the past few days. I kept sticky notes on walls with jumbled thoughts to attempt to re-jog my memory.

The only thing that was clear as day was that she was gone.

Never coming back.

I would never hear the sounds of her laughter or appreciate just how much she did for us on our own. Her smile, as bright as the sun always showing.

Now it was just a vague recollection of the one person they knew was my weakness.

I confined myself to the dark corners of my room the moment I got back. Not being able to bear or comprehend how I was supposed to feel.

I ate only when necessary for my survival, showered when the smell became unbearable and took little pride in my appearance or need for basic hygiene.

I hadn't cried since the lab, and no matter how hard I tried to tell myself that it wasn't my fault or, however, many times, everyone around me tried to convince me, it was no use. Thor often tried to come to my door, but I always saw his shadow leave the moment he was about to knock. He knew I needed space and time.

I felt responsible.

Not only for the fact she was gone but the fact that Bucky was now gone too. I couldn't bring myself to think of what he'd done. Although not in full control of his mind, part of me hoped he would snap out of it.

It was my fault for taking on this mission with little to no experience and with someone, I hardly knew. We were both there for different reasons.

I needed to get my mom back.

He just needed to get out of Stark Tower.

Although I didn't want to blame him for my mother's death, the little voice inside my head continuously tried to tell me otherwise.

Crawling back into the now dry sheets, I felt weak. I felt as though I was reacting exactly how they expected me to, proving them right.

They held all the power right now, and I wasn't going to let them. After the funeral tomorrow, things were going to be different.

I knew I could've done more, yet I let them toy with my emotions. They knew how to get to me, and I know it was all just part of the plan.

She wasn't supposed to die but, to them, she was just collateral damage.

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Stepping out of the shower, I wrapped the towel over my head and began getting ready. I slipped on a black dress that fell to just above my knees and placed some black heels on my feet.