Indecisive (Loki Laufeyson x Bucky Barnes x Reader)

CHAPTER 15

Y/N's POV:

I vaguely remember the events of the funeral.

Not that I had been paying attention to what had happened before and afterwards. As soon as I stepped out into the hallway I put a barrier around my emotions.

A stone wall that kept out any emotional or intrusive thoughts. There were too many people. Too many possibilities of becoming vulnerable.

I needed to be strong, prove to people that I wasn't a liability. Though recently that's how it felt. Like I needed to be saved or that people worried too much about keeping me safe because they felt as though I couldn't take care of myself after everything.

I needed to prove now more than ever, that I can handle things on my own.

I had let myself too many times show people how I let my emotions take control over every rational thought in my mind and it was worrying me.

I was trying to control myself and at the same time, I didn't want to. At some points, I wanted to help everyone and always be a shoulder to lean on.

I wanted to give people the aid they needed and keep them safe the way I couldn't with my mother.

Then there was the part of me that just wanted to stop caring. To turn it off.

I wanted to be able to walk around and not have to worry if anyone I came into contact with was going to die and never see the light of day again.

Their family's waiting for their return until they realize they're never coming back.

It felt like no matter where I walked bodies dropped. People got hurt.

My head was overwhelmed and I felt fragile. Like I was an hourglass minutes from running out of time as the sand fell faster and faster with each passing second. Like my soul and my mind were fighting for dominance in my body.

My heart hurt thinking about the people who were probably being tortured or murdered on earth, as they searched to find me but, my brain was telling me that's it's not my fault.

That I shouldn't worry about other people's problems and just push them to the back of my mind.

Thor had met me in the front foyer of the palace and led me down through the village and onto the docks by the water.

I made sure to keep my cloak with me to not draw too much attention to myself.

It was a dark morning. The cold rain dripping onto those who stepped into the streets or the children who began playing in the puddles.

My favourite kind of day. The dark clouds and the sound of the rain as it hits the windows made for the perfect weather. The coolness of the wind as it pulls the droplets of water harder against the earth's surface.

Loki was there.

Or so I thought.

I thought I caught a glimpse of him in the crowd of people but, when I turned to look once more he was nowhere to be seen.

I didn't know if it was the fact that I wanted him to be there or the fact that I was still thinking of the night before that lead me to look for him.

I was thankful that he had been there, though I'd never admit it to him. I don't know what could've happened if he hadn't pulled me into his arms.

I could be dead.

He saved my life, and now I owed him.

"Fuck!"

I hadn't realized I had said that out loud whilst weaving my way through the townspeople. Some turned to stare at me as I pushed past them and continued onwards.