the memories just kept replaying. the moments of us in bed together. the moments that his laughter filled up the room and rung in my ears. the times he spun me around the living room and we tried not to spill our wine.
the time where i was cooking and he came up behind me and hugged my waist. ~flashback~ "whatcha makin pretty girl.." he kissed my ear. "oh just your favorite.." i smiled up at him. "i wanna help!" he squeezed me into him. "yay! ok you can do this!" i pointed to a bowl of ingredients he needed to stir. ~flashback over~
looking back on it all its so hard to believe that he wasn't so completely infatuated with me. he just left like everyone else. like i meant nothing. leaving me here so broken i couldn't move positions in my bed for four days. i had to call into work and almost got fired. no one understood how much pain i was in. everyone just expected me to get over it. but i could barely even breathe without feeling pain.
i had such a lack of energy i couldn't even put up a face like i was ok. i was so far from ok i couldn't even see what ok looked like anymore. i couldn't believe how stupid i was to believe that something would go my way for once. nothing comes easy. it's just pain and misery and then eventually you're dead.
i spent weeks contemplating my reason for living if it wasn't him. i really couldn't find one. but here i am...no him and no reason.
~flashback~
"baby come on!" he was trying so hard to get me to come dance with him in the living room. "v i promise you this is a bad idea." i chuckled. "i think it's a great idea.." he smiled brightly and my stomach did flips. i couldn't say no.
he took my hand and led me to the middle of the rug in our living room. he spun me around and pulled me into him, rocking us back and forth. i could not dance for the life of me but i did for him. anything for him.
"see! isnt this fun?" he laughed. i looked up at his face and looked at how happy he was. his eyes were closed as his smile spread across his face, reaching the corners of his eyes. his crows feet was one of my favorite things about his smile. and the way his lips would come in a bit and he'd try to look away cause he was insecure about his smile with teeth. i couldn't even begin to imagine why he'd be insecure.
after i got a good long look of his happiness i rested my head on his chest and took a deep breath as we slowly swayed side to side.
~flashback over~
we shared so much memories in our house, except now it's my house and my memories. we don't get to share anything anymore. it's my living room and my kitchen now. it's almost as though i can still see his footprints and his handprints and his finger prints all over the house. i can't escape the things he left behind even though they aren't physically there. he left traces of him in my brain. he left his scent.
no matter how many times i rebuy decorations and no matter how many times i change the sheets i can still see and smell him everywhere. i can hear his voice if i sit in silence for too long. he's everywhere and nowhere.
he used to call me every week after he left to check on me. he doesn't do that anymore. a part of me is glad because i'd never be able to get him off my mind if he was still present in my life. but the other part of me wishes he called me every day. just so i could hear his voice again. speaking to me, saying my name. it's all i want. but he's gone gone now.
out of my life completely.
sometimes i still cry, but mostly i feel nothing. i just drift through the days not really caring about anything else besides getting through the same thing i do every day. an endless cycle. i didn't feel like myself and i knew he had taken a big part of me with him. he took something out of me and i didn't understand what it was.
what i did know for sure though was that i was absolutely and completely done with love.
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