secrets ↠ demi lovato / 5h

[54]

God, why was this so hard? I tried to pretend I was just talking to Demi.

"I'm gonna be really honest in this video, so if you don't want to listen to me getting all sappy and talking for a long time, then you might wanna exit... and I'll see you in my next video." I paused, running my hands through my hair. "so for the past year and a while, I've been keeping lots of things secret from you all. people often say that I'm giving you a big part of my life by making videos for you, giving you my snapchat, being active on social media, things like that. but some things I've always avoided. I've done so many Q&A videos on my channel, but never have I answered the questions you guys really wanted to ask. things about my family, my past, my life before the show. and I think that I really should've said something about it, instead of avoiding the subject all the time. some of you guys, my Leatics, you've understood that I didn't want to address these things and you defended me when someone tweeted me questions about my family and I didn't answer. it's happened a couple of times, and although I never acknowledged you each time, I just wanted to say thank you."

I rolled the edge of the cushion between my index finger and my thumb.

"um."

I stared out of the window, squinting at the sun. I took a drink of water. "since the accident, I haven't been interacting with you guys. it's been three weeks at least, and I'm really sorry. I just didn't know what to say. I didn't want to answer any questions until I made this video for you. after this video goes up, I'll be back on like normal."

tw // ED, depression, self harm, suicide mentions

I rubbed my thumb against the corner of my phone. "I don't know where to start," I said truthfully. "I guess some of you guys know that my dad passed away when I was little. I had a stepdad for a while, but he, um, he- he didn't treat me and my older sister Katelyn very well. this caused my sister to develop depression, and a severe eating disorder. my mom also had depression and she found it hard to take care of Katelyn and I after she and my stepdad eventually divorced. when I auditioned for The X Factor, my mom made it clear that she didn't like the idea at all. Katelyn was the one who took me to LA to audition."

I paused, swallowing hard.

"I-I thought that if I made it through to the live shows and even beyond, my mom would change her mind and see that this was really worth me pursuing, but she didn't. she hated the idea, and she didn't want anything to do with me." I stopped to take a drink of water and try to steady my breathing. "when I did make it to the live show, I met Demi. Demi took such good care of me in my most vulnerable states, and I guess Katelyn knew she'd take good care of me because she-" my words caught in my throat, and I dug my nails into my leg to stop myself from breaking down.

"she took her own life."

the words hung in the air heavily, and I bit my lip to keep it from trembling. "you guys knew that she had passed away and that's why I sang Nightingale. but now I realize it - all she wanted for me was to get out of Uniondale, to be able to do what I love - sing - and be taken care of in the process. that's why she applied for me to audition. and once she knew that Demi was taking care of me, and that Demi made the promise that she'd always take care of me, she left because she knew I was in good hands."

as soon as the sentence left my mouth, Demi pushed the door open quietly. ignoring that the camera was still filming, I burst into tears, holding out my arms like a child wanting to be carried. Demi's brow creased in heartache as she stepped over the things on my floor, pushing aside the wheelchair, and coming to sit on my bed next to me. I leeched onto her, sobbing into her shoulder as she held on tight to me, whispering "shhh" in my ear, rubbing my back in circles. I heard a couple of light footsteps, then felt the bed dip as Naya crawled on, sitting on the other side of me as she hugged my back, resting her head on the back of my neck. I gasped for air, the heavy sobs racking through my body as I shuddered, remembering the day I got the call from my mom about Katelyn. Demi pulled me in closer, and pressed her lips to my forehead, as Naya stroked my arms and sang softly until I eventually stopped crying and managed to look up at Demi, realizing with surprise that there were silent tears escaping down her cheeks. she lifted her hand to wipe her tears away, and Naya reached out to brush them away from her eyes gently before sitting up and wiping away the tears that threatened to leak from her own eyes.

"I love you, baby girl," Demi said softly, her voice cracking.

"I love you, mija," Naya said, pressing her head back into the crook of my neck.

"I love you both," I managed to say.

"do you want to continue the video?" Demi asked, concerned. "are you okay to keep filming?"

"I-I'm good," I assured her. "I'll keep going."

"do you want us to stick around?" Naya offered. "there's nothing I'd find better to do."

"it's okay," I said, leaning over to grab a tissue from my nightstand. "I'll be okay," I repeated.

Demi got up, her hand still on mine. "if you want to cuddle, we'll be watching TV, okay?"

"are you watching Faking It?" I asked. my priorities are so on point.

Naya smiled as she scampered off the bed. "we'll wait for you to watch it after dinner, how's that sound?"

"sounds good," I said, a smile involuntarily breaking out across my face. the pair turned to leave my room. "Dems? Ny?"

"yeah?" they replied in almost unison.

"thank you," I said sincerely.

"you're welcome, baby."

they left the room, and I turned back to the camera, which was still recording. I took a long drink of water and wet my lips nervously. 

"neither my mom or I took Katelyn's death well. I had the show still going on, and the stress was so horrible. and then on top of that, my mom was struggling herself and she couldn't have me back to Uniondale for Katelyn's... funeral." funeral. the word didn't feel real on the tip of my tongue, like it never happened.

"even after I won the show, it was better for me to stay in LA, and Demi offered to take care of me." slightly twisting the words there, but I didn't want to go into so much detail. I already felt overexposed. plus, it wasn't entirely false, wasn't it? Demi had offered to take care of me. "which is immensely kind of her. to this day I still don't know how to thank her and the right words to let her know just how much I appreciate it."

I twiddled my thumbs, staring down at them.

"the accident happened because when Demi, Naya and I were on the highway, a car was following us, and we didn't have security at the time, so we tried to get away as soon as we could. but we ended up going too fast. thankfully, though, none of us were hurt badly, although the nerves and muscles in my legs were injured, so I have to be in a wheelchair for a month, which means that I can't do anything extravagant yet."

I squeezed my eyes shut tight then relaxed my facial muscles, trying to think of what to say next.

"and for me to continue what I love to do, for you guys, and for myself... I'm staying in LA with Demi. Demi's amazing, and Naya too. they take care of me and it's honestly incredible." I paused, my eyes flitting towards the window, watching a few birds flying past, chirping noisily.

"I'm going to end the video here. so, um, I, er- I hope this cleared some things up for you guys. again, thank you so much for sticking by me. it's been a little messy, but I'm going to be putting this behind me. I don't want to rely on any sob stories for myself. and, I don't know if this makes sense but unless I'm asked about this, I won't really want to voluntarily talk about this- and, like, fall back on my story. if- if that makes sense. I'll try to upload some videos regularly now, and I'll be back on social media. I know that this is going to get backlash, but... I figured you guys deserved an explanation." I hesitated. "I love you guys so, so much, and I'll see you soon."

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A/N:

hiii. I hope this isn't too late up.

picture of Lea filming on the side- taken from a youtube video!

I have exams this whole week so the next update might be a bit delayed, and I'm really sorry about that! :( I have biology and maths tomorrow, neither of which I'm good at. woooo

&&& new cover!! I made this on Friday night (wild Friday night turn up af) and I hope you guys like it - please comment and let me know!

xoxo