secrets ↠ demi lovato / 5h

[6]

tw: mentions of self harm, anxiety, eating disorders, suicidal thoughts & abuse

"LUNCHTIME!" Demi yelled, pulling me off the stage.

"um," my eyes widened. I hadn't been counting on eating lunch with Demi. "you go ahead, Demi, I'll go back to the mansion... I'll see you tomorrow?"

Demi tilted her head in confusion. "aren't you hungry?"

"no, I had a big breakfast."

"are you sure?"

"it's 12pm, Lea. and there isn't much food in the mansion."

please let it go Demi please let it go Demi please let it go Demi please let it go Demi please let it go Demi please let it go Demi please let it go Demi please let it go Demi pleas-

I hadn't noticed that I was crying.

"Lea?" Demi was by my side in a flash. "what's wrong?"

I sank down to my knees.

"I can't," I sobbed out. "I can't eat."

Demi lowered herself into a sitting position next to me. "why not?"

"I'm too fat Demi."

and then I started getting a panic attack.

the walls were closing in, the whole world was caving. I couldn't hear anything. I hated this.

then suddenly, out of the haze, a clear voice. "Lea."

Demi.

"Lea, I need you to match my breathing, okay?" I felt myself being pulled into an embrace.

in, out. in, out.

we stood in silence except for my muffled crying.

amazingly, I started to breathe properly and it was all over.

I've never settled from an attack this quickly before.

we sat on the stage.

"wanna talk?" Demi asked after a moment of silence.

"nah," I said, feeling embarrassed.

Demi sighed. "too bad, you're gonna have to."

I stayed quiet.

"I'm going to be blunt, baby, and don't be ashamed, okay? you have nothing to be ashamed about."

I nodded.

Demi chewed her lip. I could tell she was finding this difficult too.

"um," she started. "eating...?"

I shrugged. "I avoid eating whenever I can."

"throwing up?"

I nodded.

"anxiety?"

"the school counsellor told me I have social anxiety," I sighed.

Demi nodded. she took a deep breath and bit her lip - I knew the next question was going to be hard on her as well as me.

to make it easier, I rolled my sleeves up for her.

she squeezed her eyes shut - this had to be triggering for her, no matter what she said.

"it's okay," I assured her softly.

she peeked out.

I had three scars, small ones. they were the only times I had dared to cut deep.