why your smut sucks

460 40 58

Let me pour my hot tea on your tits and listen to your sexy screams while I dance to Death Grips because we're getting graphic today luvs. ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵏᶦⁿᵏˢ ᵇᵘᵗ ᴵ ᵖʳᵒᵐᶦˢᵉ ᴵ'ᵐ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʷᵉᶦʳᵈ ᵐᵏᵃʸ.

 If you're under 16, leave. I know you won't though.

Smut smut smut, you boring-ass bitch. Smut on wattpad is either underwhelming or overwhelmingly cringy.

(Y'know, I tend to research for most of my rants. This means reading some of the book types I talk about, and for this I read Haikyuu, MHA, sexy nurse, and DDLG smut. Saying I want to kill myself is an understatement...)

How many more times do I have to read virgins who are embarrassed of their bodies having first-time sex with generically hot dudes with 8-inch "members"? Virgins somehow being good in bed immediately? How many times will I read about slamming as hard as possible into tight wet pussies and girls wincing in pain but soon moaning and screaming their mate's name in pleasure? Girls being so tight you can barely fit two fingers in? Pussy tasting "sweet"? Everyone cumming every two minutes? Couples cumming on sync? Slamming against walls and doors as if bashing into a solid object doesn't fucking hurt? "You're so fucking beautiful"?

Words being growled? "tHeIr tOngUeS bAtTlEd fOr DoMiNcE." Tongues and fingers gliding up juicy "cores?" No need for lube because the girl is just so wet naturally? Sex every single day? "She won't be able to walk tomorrow"? Sex positions described like they're goddamn acrobatics? Gay sex needing zero prep because your ass just isn't full of shit or doesn't need to stretch nor does it hurt like hell? "His lips continued to assault my neck"? Never using condoms or asking about STD/STI testing/birth control beforehand? No need for asking each other what they're into? "He shot ropes of cum onto his stomach"?

Apparently I have to teach people sex ed:

1. Vanginas actually get looser when you're turned on because they're preparing to make space for penetration. So the only way you'd be so tight you're almost squeezing a dick/fingers off is something called vaginismus happening, your muscles tightening an insane amount, which occurs during fear and panic and is basically vagina anxiety.

2. I don't know how many of you know but seems like not many of yous, the average dick size is like, 5-6 inches, so having a thicc, massive veiny 8-inch Slim Jim isn't very common. Oh and I've mentioned this in another rant before but most vaginas are about 6 inches deep when aroused so stop writing how that 8-inches fits perfectly. By the way while on big dicks (pun not intended), if you're having sex with someone with a large dick, natural lubrication probably won't be enough for the entire time you're having sex as you can only produce so much. So you will probably need lube at some point.

There's nothing at all wrong with needing/using lube, people need to stop acting like you're a loser if you need it or that if your girl needs lube you must not be good enough in bed and don't get her wet.

3. This should go without saying, having sex all night long plus more in the morning isn't really possible considering your body y'know, gets sore or tired, especially for dudes, sex is tiring. So idk where these guys who can have sex every hour and cum too or these barely legal virgins who just got completely train wrecked and are sore as fuck but still want more as if their shit isn't raw/irritated.

4. Can we just stop saying pussy tastes like fruit or sweet? It's vaginal discharge not fruit salad with marshmallows. We've accepted cum doesn't taste good, let's accept pussy tastes like pussy which isn't good tasting either.

5. Every girl squirts so much in smut books... you realize when girls gush during an orgasm it's pee, right? Actual ejaculation for women is a pretty small amount (not to mention not every woman CAN squirt), it's not gonna be a big waterfall of liquid soaking daddy as he pounds that cooter and the sheets and making the mattress cry in disgust.

Why Your Story SUCKS | Writer's rants & discussionsWhere stories live. Discover now