I Can't Love You

Looking for Comfort

Derek POV

I was having trouble sleeping so I decided to go out on the porch. I perch myself on the railing. Some nights it was almost eerie to be out this late or early depending on how you look at it.

I smelled him as soon as he came out of the house so I knew he was there, but what surprised me was cold hands wrapped around my chest. I wanted to run away but also lean into his strong arms.

I felt wetness on my shoulder and I turned to look him in the eyes, he was crying.

I slid off the railing and faced him. I pulled him into me and held him there.

I know what it feels like to not understand how you feel, I know how confusing this must be for him. Not knowing what's up or down. I related his pain to the pain I felt when I was holding in the fact that I was gay. It was a radiating pain that never was satisfied. I wanted to be myself and felt lost when I didn't exactly know what I was supposed to do or who I was supposed to be. I eventually found my place and I am hoping I can help Chris find his. I know it would be much harder for him. He was not only questioning his sexuality; he was questioning his life choices up to now. He grew up in a place that told him these monsters could not love. He grew up killing my kind and now here he is being vulnerable in my arms. This strong, capable man is here in my arms with need in his eyes. He needs me right now and I would be stupid to not take advantage and comfort him.

I hold him in my arms, I can feel the sobs lessening. He looks up at me I can see the last of his tears escaping his eyes. I absently thumb them away.

He straightens up and ends the embrace.

We stand there in silence.

"Chris...I know this is weird, I know that you are not in the best place at the moment, I know you are confused and scared. Trust me, I understand those feelings. I am not here to push you or make you someone you are not. I just want to help you find your place and I just want you to be happy." I speak honestly.

I can't let this man think I am just some stupid kid who doesn't understand.

He's staring at me, but it's more with wonder than anything else.

The next thing I know is his lips are on mine. We share a slow passionate kiss. It means something, it's the words he cannot say. It's a promise that he might stay.

Chris breaks the silence "Derek...will you come to lay with me? I... I've been having trouble sleeping and I don't want to be alone."

His words are soft and not confident. I swallow the nerves in my throat and nod, words fail me. I take his hand and we walk upstairs to his bedroom.

His room looks different here, now in the dark. I can feel anxiety trying to cloud my brain. I feel like this place is sacred and that I should not be allowed to enter.

Chris notices my hesitation and pulls me into the room further. He pulls me until I am sitting awkwardly on the bed.

"Derek...I am not going to bite. That's your job." He says laughing.

I catch myself laughing.

"That's a cheap joke," I say settling in next to Chris.

"Yeah, but it got you to laugh and I like your laugh." He says sleepily.

I would've replied but he was fast asleep with his head on my shoulder.

I smiled and found my heavy eyelids finally closing. I let sleep take me in its warm embrace, hoping when I wake up this will not all be a dream.

Chris POV

There I was a complete mess in Derek's arms. He never once turned away. He stood there and comforted me, supported me when it would've been easier to walk away. He did understand me, even if I had been pushing him away. I was scared, I don't like people seeing me vulnerable. I don't like being this soft, broken man. Derek did not care, he wanted to help me find who I was. He spoke to me with honesty and sincerity. It made me react on impulse. I kissed him, I cannot deny that, but I can say I wanted to. Nothing was pushing me to be in Derek's arms. That realization is how I knew that I was in big trouble, but I had also come to the understanding that Derek is not the safe choice. That Derek was the wrong choice, or so that's how people will see it. I am my own person and if Derek makes me happy, I am going to find out where this takes me. I was tired and I dreaded returning to that empty bed so I took a chance and with which much glee Derek did accompany me to bed. His strong arm wrapped around me, my head using his shoulder as a pillow. I've never been protected, I've always been the protector. I've been more vulnerable with Derek more than I ever have with anyone. I've kept this side hidden for so long, I didn't know I was capable of letting someone take care of me.

I didn't want my thoughts to go to Victoria, I didn't want to think about her now. Except there weren't sad thoughts, it was thoughts of how dysfunctional our relationship was. How we barely got along, how she pushed me into situations and demanded I take control. How peaceful it was to just be here in silence with Derek. Maybe I was too deep in this hole to know that there was a way out. Maybe I just needed this peaceful rest. That was the last thought I had as I fell asleep, the weight of the world a bit lighter, snuggled in Derek's arms.