Under the Night Sky

Chapter 39

"You're calling this lunch? It's not lunch, it wouldn't be enough to feed a dead cat! Do I look like I need a diet?"

"No, ma'am..."

Derek chuckled, leaning against the doorframe to Helen's room. "Terrorizing the poor staff again, Dr. Crawford?"

"I'm not terrorizing anyone," Helen rolled her eyes. The nurse took the advantage of Derek's sudden appearance to scurry out of the room. "I hope you have something for me, Derek."

He laughed out loud, shaking his head as he came in deposited a bag of provisions onto her bed.

"You never fail, Dr. Shepherd," Helen murmured with approval.

A kind of bitter snort escaped his throat as he shuffled his feet walking to the window.

"Derek? What's wrong?" Helen's voice lost its teasing quality on behalf of genuine concern. "I... I noticed that Meredith hasn't showed up the third day in a row. I know well enough what it means in her case – she's avoiding. Tell me, have there been any post-op complications?"

"What? No," he assured her quickly. "Your surgery was a complete success, I promise."

"Then what is the matter?"

"My plane takes off at 1.30 next Friday," he answered hollowly.

"You promised me something, Derek. I might have been sprawled on the operating table but I was completely sane and I do remember every word that was spoken."

"I know what I promised," he sighed in frustration. "I've promised this to myself. But... she doesn't want me here."

"Don't be ridiculous, she lo-"

"She loves me, agreed. But when it comes to trust, she can't commit. Whatever I say or do, she's always going to be looking over her shoulder when it comes to our relationship. She knows that and she doesn't even want to try. She can't help it," he hung his head down, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"So that's it? You're gonna give up?" she bombarded him with questions.

"I don't... I don't know what I can do," he shrugged, exhaustion painting on his face.

"Meredith is a force to be reckoned with," Helen chuckled. "She's always had that way about her, to make people do what she wants them to do. But you don't have to let her, Derek. You can't let her cut you off."

He nodded silently, folding his arms over his chest.

"Derek, you seem very conflicted about this ..." Helen hesitated. "We only talk about what Meredith wants... What is it that you want? Do you want to stay in Rachel? Because... she will not go back to New York, at least not in the next week."

"I... I know I want Meredith but... I'm not sure if I'm ready to move..." he confessed. "If I knew... If she just..."

"What?" Helen smiled sadly. "If she told you to stay? She'd never do that. She is a surgeon herself, she knows what it means to leave it all behind, not only your dream job but also your family. She knows what it feels like and she'd never impose that on you, not the new Meredith."

"You and Mer keep talking as if she had been a different person altogether," he frowned with puzzlement.

"In a way she was. I don't mean it badly. She was restless, unfulfilled, even with Mitch."

"She is so now too," he sighed.

"She's much closer to peace than she ever was," stated Helen. "You're good for her... but you need to be sure. Don't mess with her head, don't promise something you can't give her."