Under the Night Sky

Chapter 48

Derek parked the car on the street in front of his mother's house and got out with a tormented expression on his face. His childhood home was the last place he wanted to be tonight, especially with all the family assembling, he thought dejectedly as he maneuvered between the cars parked in the driveway.

He wanted to go back to his apartment, get into bed and try to fall asleep surrounded by his dark guilty thoughts. He couldn't do that, however. He had promised Meredith he would not shut off other people and would spend the Halloween evening with his family, just as he usually did. Every year after his sisters and his brothers-in-law took the kids trick or treating, they would all get together at Carolyn's for dinner. He would then usually act as an entertainment for the children and everyone would tease him that he would be a great father in the future and that he was a natural. He didn't want to go there tonight either.

Because his first trial patient died. He died on the table. Two emotions were ripping him apart, guilt at allowing the patient to die and fear. For the first time really, he considered the possibility of failing and that thought sent cold shivers down his spine. He didn't have a back-up plan. What he would do about Meredith if he failed...?

He entered the already noisy house and was hit with yet another wave of guilt. This time, towards his mother who was striding from the kitchen towards the living room, a jug of hot chocolate for the children in her arms.

"Hey, Ma," he tried to put a fake smile on his face when he walked over to kiss her cheek.

"Hello, son," she sighed leaving the jug on the table for a moment and turning to him, perspicacious as always. He could never pull the wool over her eyes. "How bad is it? And don't bother to lie, I already know about your patient."

"Who couldn't keep their trap shut?" Derek rolled his eyes.

"That's the least important issue here," she said pointedly. "We've already thought you wouldn't come."

"Let me guess, you were about to send a search party?" he snickered.

"If I had to," she shrugged off but then looked at him tenderly, gently brushing his cheek. "I'm always ready to listen, Sweetie, you know that."

"I know, thank you," he sighed. "But I don't need to talk anymore, I've had a long conversation... with Meredith," he added in a hushed tone.

"She has experience in this line of work?"

"She does. She warned me it was going to be hard. Still, I got my hopes up a little too much. But I'm more or less fine now. According to Mer, it doesn't get better and I should know that as a surgeon because you just can't get used to people dying under your scalpel..." he sighed. "But I'm fine. And I'm sorry I'm late, I've been talking to Meredith. She actually yelled at me and told me to drag my ass here.

"She sounds like a wise woman," Carolyn smiled, her eyes twinkling at her son. He was so smitten with that woman. No actually, he was head over heels. "I'd like to meet her one of these days."

"I'd like you to meet her too, I hope it can happen one day," he answered evasively. "So, what's everybody doing?"

"Everyone's watching some kind of surgery in the kitchen," Carolyn rolled her eyes. "Amelia brought a stack of DVDs, don't know what it's all about."

"Oh," Derek peeked curiously in the direction of the kitchen.

"No, no, no," she shook her head. "Don't even think about it, you need a break from surgery, at least for one evening. Come with me, children have an amazing ability to drive all worries away," she took his arm and grabbed back the jug, leading Derek into the living room full of her grandchildren all dressed in Halloween costumes.