Can i love you ?

18

Monday greeted me with some hope that everything would be fine, but it was just a dream. Returning home on Wednesday, I decided to immerse myself in my studies. On Thursday, I missed a lesson with Minji. I thought it would be easier to prepare for the tests without being distracted by emotions. However, it turned out that I missed important information. This week, she is leaving with two students for the full-time stage of the competition, and I could have been among those lucky ones. This thought upset me. As a result, her lessons were canceled, and we had to send her an essay by email. This week is the last week of the semester, which means that all tests should be in the grade book by Friday, which is not always easy. The weekend is approaching, and it's already December 31st, New Year's Eve. I have no mood for all the festivities and decorations. But miracles do happen on New Year's.

Until Wednesday, the week dragged on slowly, and the tests didn't pose any particular problems. On Wednesday night, I started writing an essay on the topic of respiration in plants. I stayed up until three in the morning working on it. On Thursday, we had a general microbiology test. The result upset me greatly. Either I didn't get enough sleep, or Miss Handong doesn't know how to forgive and flunked me again. A C grade (Lower Division) is not my usual result!

But all of this is nonsense. The main problem is with my scientific activities. What should I send her?! In my email, I noticed a message from her:

"Kim Yoohyeon, I'll be at the university on Friday. I'll be grading your project. But I still don't have your work. Hurry up, otherwise you won't receive a grade."

After gathering the material I had, I pressed the "send" button. I have no choice anyway.

An hour later, I received a response. Opening it was nerve-wracking, but I had no choice.

"I won't grade it. I thought you knew my expectations. Although I feel guilty for asking too little of you. I'll give you a grade for the test. Come tomorrow. Prepare yourself."

How I wished there was more to her message. This dry message feels so insufficient to me. How I miss her. I'm suffocating without her.

Closing my laptop, I collapsed onto the bed, and tears welled up in my eyes again. Am I crying? I haven't cried for almost a week. But I can't bear it anymore. The biggest pain is the moral and mental anguish, the pain of loneliness. I feel so lonely right now, as if my soul is being ripped out, leaving a gaping wound in my chest that's continuously burned by icy air. It hurts. But I can't tell anyone. Unbeknownst to me, exhaustion took over, and I fell asleep.

In the morning, the sun streamed into my room, its barely warm rays attempting to comfort me. But I had no desire to get up. There were no classes today, only students taking their final exams.

"Yoohyeon, get up!" my mother loudly called out, disturbing my peace.

"Mmm," I mumbled back, wrapping myself tighter in the blanket.

"Aren't you studying today?"

"I am studying," I muttered in the same way.

"Then get up! Today we are going to grandmother's. We will spend the holidays there," my mom said before leaving the room.

How could we leave? But what about Minji? And the New Year? And miracles? But maybe it's for the best. It's always for the best, right? With fewer thoughts, there will be childhood friends, an atmosphere of miracles and happiness. After all, it has always been like that. This year shouldn't be an exception.

I walked to the university, not wanting to board a stuffy bus. I wanted to feel the chill, to freeze a little. I walked, listening to music, thinking and reflecting on the upcoming holidays. Would I be able to feel the holiday spirit being far from her, unable to even call?