Longing •Bucky Barnes•

32. Guilt

In nearly a blink of an eye I was stood back in the Avenger Compound. I flipped to see Clint standing at my side clearly having returned like we had agreed on. I flipped my head around and saw Tony and Bucky to my left. I made eye contact with them for a split second before quickly looking forward and down. I couldn't bear to look at anyone right now.

I felt my knees give out and I slammed down to the floor on my knees. I wanted to shrink away from everyone. Everyone looked happy to be back, but we failed to bring everyone back. I felt Tony at my side, but I didn't dare look at him for fear of him realizing Natasha was gone.

"Where's Nat?" Bruce asked sounding calm but confused.

I didn't say a word because frankly I wasn't ready to speak. I could hear everyone shift around and look, but I knew they wouldn't find her. Clint started to fumbled over his words and I just sat there helplessly.

"Nat didn't make it back." Clint said clearly choking back his own tears.

"What do you mean she didn't make it back? Where is she?" Bruce asked getting angry.

"Thanos didn't take Gamora there with the intention to kill her." I said eyeing Nebula quickly before looking back down. Tony pushed my hair back behind my ear as I struggled to speak. "That's what it cost. A soul for a soul. To get the stone there needed to be a sacrifice."

"She sacrificed herself?" Steve asked.

"I tried to stop her." I said emptily shaking my head.

"We all tackled each other to try and stop each other. This one knocked me out and tried to jump, but Nat grabbed her." Clint said trying to help explain.

"She begged me to let her go but I couldn't- I wouldn't but- she-"

"Natasha wasn't going to let it be either of us, she had her mind made up." Clint said flatly.

"It wasn't supposed to be her," I said as my lower lip trembled. I looked up to Tony and Bucky hating that I had to tell them the truth. "It was supposed to be me."

I felt tears leave my eyes and I leaned forward nearly shrinking in pain. I saw Bucky move towards me and he knelt down next to me, but my eyes were trained on the ground. I felt his hand scoop up my face and I tried to not look at him, but he rose my face to meet his. I couldn't look him in the eyes having just admitted I would have broken a promise we had made really only moments ago.

I turned away and his hand pulled back. I reached into the small compartment and pulled out the stone. I held it in my hand and looked at it almost scornfully. I threw the stone in front of me and no one wanted to grab it. We should have all been celebrating right now. We had the stones, that was the goal of the mission from the very beginning. No one had any idea what it would cost.

I got to my feet and walked away from the group. I needed to get out of this goddamn suit. I heard Bruce collapsed where he was standing and I went towards my room. I only heard silence from the group as I left, but I could hear footsteps following. I opened my door and Bucky was hot on my tail. He pulled on my arm and I looked at him emptily.

"Don't." I said flatly. 

"Val, don't run from me." He said calmly.

"Unzip me." I said coldly.

I turned around and faced away from him. I heard his exhale and he came to unzip me. I felt him pull the cord and it was released. I pulled it away from me and pulled my arms free. I walked away to the closet and I heard Bucky grunt as he followed me.

"Valerie talk to me please." He said and I heard his voice crack.

"I don't know what to say." I said pressing my lips together.