Nothing but Heartbreak

22. Self destructing

I was fully regretting my decision to show up to the wedding. Well maybe not fully, it was nice to be here with Harlan. He was practically clung to me all evening and I definitely wasn't complaining. It felt like being with Harlan wasn't the craziest thing ever for the first time today. It seemed like a possibility.

Being in his arms was giving me hope and in the past that never ended well. But at the moment I honestly didn't care if it broke my heart I wanted to be with him. He made me forget how awful I felt being here and seeing my father.

If only I could ignore the loud voice in my head screaming at me that I was never going to be enough just like I wasn't enough for my own dad.

Somehow I had made it through dinner before watching my father and his now wife happily toast to their lives together got so overwhelming I let Harlan drag me away. The walk to my hotel room was quiet, my brain was spiraling out and I think Harlan realized I just needed the space to think.

The downfall to Harlan giving me what I needed was the fact my brain could actually spin out. The things I had pushed away due to the feeling of Harlan seemed to rush back.

The way my dad didn't seem to care about the fact that he had hurt me all these years. I couldn't even understand why he had invited me here if he didn't want to try to be in my life again. The hurt I had been using Harlan to distract myself from was catching up to me and I hated it.

I didn't want to hurt and I knew one way to make it all stop.

"Harlan." My voice was strained as I tried to get myself to actually say what I wanted to.

"Yeah?" The way he looked at me in that moment made my whole body melt.

Harlan was looking at me like I was the only person on earth. He seemed like he cared so much about me in this moment I was going to let myself hold onto that one look forever. Even if he didn't love me to know that he looked at me like he did even if it was just for one night might be enough for me.

"I need you to make it all go away." I shut my eyes not being able to handle his gaze.

"Tell me what you need and I'll do it."

I opened my eyes and let my hand go to the back of my dress. It wasn't as graceful as I would've wanted it as I shoved the zipper down my back so I could let my dress slip off me. When it finally came off I watched as Harlan's eyes followed the dress all the way down to my ankles.

"Ava I don't-,"

"Please." I cut him off.

I knew he would be hesitant. I was in an emotional state. But I loved this man and I just needed him to make me feel better. I needed him to make me forget about the pain in my heart for just one night.

Harlan walked towards me slowly. Once he was fully in front of me he used both hands to cup my cheeks and tilt my head up to look at him.

"I don't want you to regret anything that happens between us." He said softly.

I don't answer. Well at least not with words. I push myself up so that my lips can press firmly against his own.

It was our first kiss. It seemed weird for us to have gotten married and ended that marriage all before we ever even kissed.

Harlan took a second to sink into the kiss. He was trying to hold back because he knew I was hurt about the wedding and I was still slightly tipsy from the drinks I had chugged at the beginning of the reception but once he pulled me closer and his lips moved slowly against my own that's when I knew.

One taste would never be enough.

All these years I had pushed Harlan away because I had known if I ever had him in any way it would be over for me. And right now with his lips against my own I knew that was the truth.

I'd never be able to move on from Harlan Shepard.

I was in heaven kissing him so when he pulled away I wanted nothing more than to lean forward and continue. I didn't want to lose the feeling of bliss I had when I was with him. I was addicted to the electric feeling that coursed through me when I was with him.

I couldn't reconnect our lips though. He hadn't just pulled away from the kiss he had pulled away from me completely. He dropped his hands from my face and he had taken one huge step back putting distance between the two of us.

"We can't." He just shook his head.

I stood there half naked and feeling like an idiot. I had let myself give him a chance and yet again I was left hurt. How had I not learned by now? Why did I keep putting myself in these situations?

The anger I had towards my father seemed to resurface and this time it was being directed straight at Harlan.

"What? Am I not good enough for you Harlan? You get with basically every girl in our high school, you sleep with one of my best friends but all of a sudden kissing me is too much? I don't ask much from you but now here I am just asking you to make me feel better and you can't even do that." I snapped grabbing my dress from the floor putting even more distance between the two of us.

"It's not that you aren't enough Ava and you know that. You've been drinking and you're emotional. You aren't in a condition where I'd feel comfortable doing anything with you. I am just trying to do the right thing here." He sighed trying to reason with me.

"You can sleep on the floor." I told him crawling into the large bed in the center of the room.

He didn't say anything to that. He just grabbed a pillow and the blanket spread across the end of the bed and laid down on the carpet.

I felt an ache in my chest. I wanted him here laying next to me. I craved his arms around me but I had issues.

I was self destructing yet again and I had no plans of stopping.

A/n:

Sorry the update is late today... I was feeling kinda gross today and so the chapter go delayed. But it's better late than never.... Right??

-Cora Leigh