Ordinary Girl ; me au

Chapter 40

7 months later

4 months already |Oct 29

"It's been really hard not having
you here. These past four months have been such a blur. I've had so much going on in my mind lately. The constant thought and fear that you might stop breathing the next day is frustrating. I pray every night for you, just to see those gorgeous hazel eyes open again the next morning once I see you. But I guess it's not enough. Christmas and New years is almost around the corner.

You missed your birthday my love.. I waited on the seat next to your hospital bed, on July 7th for almost six hours, waiting till' the hand turned to 12 on the dot. Once the day ended, it was official. You were finally 18. A full grown adult. I honestly thought that day you would wake up, but I was wrong because here I am, three months later and you still haven't woken up.

I don't want to admit it.. but
I've been thinking of self harming. My arms ache for something sharp to be placed against them and it might sound like I'm delusional but I know they're calling for my razor. I can feel it. I sometimes even get angry. Angry and agitated at myself. I finally got my cast removed and I don't feel any better. My ankle stopped hurting, but now it's my heart that hurts.

I feel like this is my fault. The reason why you're in that bed. The reason why your body hasn't moved in 4 months. The reason why whenever I visit you, your body is in the exact same position. Whenever I'm next to you, I feel as if you're there with me, listening to everything I say, but the pain in my heart increases as you don't answer me back. It makes me feel isolated. Almost as if you're actually gone.

I can't sit there and lie. I always say something different when I visit you because there are infinite words to describe just how much you mean to me. The little things me and you used to do that would put a smile on my face. The little things me and you ever shared together. The little things you did that would make my heart pump just a heartbeat faster. Those little things are what kept me going. I can't go on writing when I am constantly crying, like right now.

Just like every other morning
when I wake up without you by my side, rewarding me with heavenly kisses. Just like every other afternoon when I feel lonely like old times and just sit in bed all day, staring at nothing but space. Just like every other night, when you're not cradling me into your arms, telling me how beautiful I am and how much you love me.

I miss that. I really do. Your mom has been in so much pain and we comfort each other as much as possible. But it hurts me more knowing how she has to work and think about how her son is in a coma. I cry every single night. Not one night goes by where I'm not bawling my eyes out. Sleeping alone in our bed, makes me feel errant and vulnerable. The bed we shared. The scenery I know so well. I'll cry until I can't no more and the creases by my eyes start hurting. I'll eventually fall asleep, feeling my tears dry against my skin.

I have nowhone to talk to.
It's like you were my only company. You were. You were the best company I could've ever asked for. I can't hold in the big lump in my throat anymore. My chest hurts, my head hurts, everything hurts. My heart hurts. The scars you sealed in my heart are now reopened. This journal is my only "friend" for now.

I know that if I tell my "friend"
my emotions and what I'm feeling, I wont be judged and it'll be guarded and secure. But I don't care who sees this anymore. I want everyone who has the possibility to take hold of this journal to know how much I love you. It's hard to stay strong, you know? Your name repeats in my head, reminding me that you're gone and it taunts me. It's hard trying to keep that little light of hope inside you. Because whenever I hope too much for something, it never happens.

How I would wake up every morning and get ready quickly, just to see if you were awake. But whenever i'd enter the room, the familiar cold air blew in my face. And all my hope would disappear, making me feel like an idiot. Don't get me wrong, I still do that.. it's just, I feel dispirited. I don't think I can write anymore. My tears keep blurring my vision and I'm getting the pages soggy. I'll pray tonight for you again baby and I wont stop until you wake up.

I can feel my heart slowly shred into pieces thinking about how the person who formed me into what I am today, might never come back. Matthew, baby please. I need you. I need you more than ever. I'm not ready for you to leave. I never will. Please don't fade away from me. From us. I keep repeating it but it's just so hard not having you here and I can't help but write out my emotions and feel so stupid because I'm the only one who is reading this. I can't change what happened. I'll never be able to.

That's why I need you to stay as strong as you can and hold on for me. For your mom. For Burnie. For your family. For everyone Matt. Goddamnit, I need you so much right now. I really really do. I hate everything. I could just give up right now, right here. But I won't my darling.

I promise I won't leave you.
Only if you promise you won't leave me."