ISSUES II outer banks

final mistake

"Loving you was the most exquisite form of self destruction."

trigger warning: violence

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"Look who arrived on time. For the first time after all those weeks", John B mutters sarcastically as I arrive at the chateau knowing when and where the others would meet. "I'm sorry, okay? I really am."

"For what exactly, ditching us or lying to us?", JJ snaps at me making me remember what happened last night. Guilt rushes through me. The crazy thing is, I don't feel guilty for not letting go of him earlier, no, definitely no. I rather feel guilty for not wanting to tell him the truth, for hurting him and making him angry and feel disappointed in me. 

We're all good friends. But JJ and I have always had a special relationship. JJ is reckless and you never know how he's going to react. Sometimes, I'm the complete opposite. For example, I wouldn't want to surf during a storm like him and John B do. But when JJ is around, I feel safe enough and let him persuade me. In other cases, I'm just completely the same. I try to suppress my feelings just like he does and rather hurt others before telling them what's going on with me and talk about my problems. And both of us smoke quite a lot.

"What? Did you lie to us, Iz?", Pope asks and gives me a sad look. Poor, Pope. He's the last person on earth who would deserve a friend like me. No matter what, he's always there. I didn't want to lie to him but he would tell the others.

"Tell them about your secret boyfriend", JJ continues making me gasp. I expected him to be angry, yes. But I didn't think he would spill it out like that. He's making it even worse by laughing sarcastically so I glare at him with a mixture of anger and sadness. I'm more disappointed as I thought he would keep this to himself until I was ready to tell them. He could at least have warned me that he would tell the others or asked me to do so.

"Fuck, Iz, seriously? You ditch us and then you lie to us?", Kie yells and stands up from her chair and walks around the garden. Technically, it was hiding not lying. But I'm not even brave enough to say anything anymore. I just want to leave and sneak into my room.

"You're ditching us for some random boy. Us, your friends?", John B concludes raising his eyebrow. I'm not even strong enough to look at him. I'd rather watch JJ who's obviously enjoying the show.

"Guys, calm down", JJ suddenly tells them so I give him a confused look. Why would he tell them to calm down? He's the one who freaks out quickly. "Calm down?!", Kiara repeats his words loudly, „You're telling us to calm down? You, JJ? If-"

"Relax, Kie. I was just joking, wanted to see your reactions." "Man, what the hell? I was worried about our friendships!", Pope exclaims and pushes JJ lightly. "Sorry, guys. You should have seen your faces. A 10 out of 10. Congrats."

"Shut up, JJ", John B snaps at him and turns to me, "So you didn't ditch us for a boyfriend?" Luckily, JJ stands behind John B so I can look at JJ questioningly without the others noticing. JJ shrugs his shoulders which tells me that he doesn't care about it for now or at least he wouldn't tell them. So I shake my head for everyone to see.

"I was only busy trying to satisfy everyone. I know it was wrong to ditch you for others, especially kooks. I'm a pogue by heart, don't forget that. But I promise you that I will be here from now on. Pogues forever, right?"

"Pogues forever", Pope nods and lays his arm around me, "We forgive you. Right?" "Alright", Kie and John B sigh, "But you owe us. I need new waxing gel for the surfboards and the fridge is empty so let's head to the wreck?" "It's on me", I chuckle and give everyone a hug, also thanking JJ quietly.

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"Where have you been yesterday?", Rafe questions me as soon as I enter the Cameron's house the next morning. It's saturday so I figured it would be fair to spend friday with the pogues and saturday morning with the kooks. "Yeah we were supposed to meet. You missed my party", Topper complains as the two of them lay in garden.

"Look, I was hanging out with other friends. You're not the only friends I have, you know. And I was ditching them for the past weeks to hang out with you guys. I have to make it up to them." "Are those friends by any means pogues, Bella?", Topper asks me sceptically and takes off his sunglasses so I can see him raising his eyebrows.

"How about a nice hello first?", Rafe mutters annoyed and grabs me at my waist to pull me closer and give me a kiss. There's this feeling again.. guilt. And again, no guilt for what happened with JJ but guilt for.. for what exactly? For kissing Rafe? He's my boyfriend, I shouldn't feel guilty for that. It's.. Did I not want to kiss Rafe? Do I not want to kiss my own boyfriend?

"Will you answer my question finally?" "Oh, yeah, sorry. Look, it doesn't matter if they're pogues or kooks. I want to hang out with you and with them. I ditched them for you guys so I'm sorry but I won't be here as often." "Wow, Rafe", Topper laughs like an idiot, "You know how to make a girl happy." "Topper-"

"Come with me", Rafe orders me and without even giving me the chance to react by myself, he grabs my wrists tightly and pulls me with him up to his room. "I could have just walked here without you forcing me to do so", I complain as we enter his room and he closes the door behind me while I rub my wrists. That actually hurt.

"Tell me, Bella, why did you come here? To tell us that we're not good enough for you? You'd rather hang out with those pogues instead of your real friends?" "I want to meet all of you, Rafe. You're my boyfriend, of course I want to see you. But I've been here every day after school the past weeks and I want to be a good friend for all of my friends, not just you and Topper. I didn't even see Sarah as much as I did before because you don't like hanging out with her. I miss my friends."

"Oh, sorry, I didn't know that you needed so many more people than us who would literally do anything for you. Wow, Bella. I never thought you would be so ungrateful." "Rafe, please. I was hanging out with the others yesterday. Let's do something today, you and I, okay?" "Kelce's party then."

"I thought you and I, only us", I whisper because I am quite afraid of his reaction. Rightly. Rafe's look becomes more angry and he steps closer to me so I automatically step back until I am stopped by the door. "You're coming with me to this fucking party, Bella. What are other people supposed to think? That I am not treating my girlfriend right just because she's an ungrateful bitch who rather hangs out with pogues? Do you want that, ruin my status?" "No, Rafe, it's-"

"What is it, huh?", he shouts at me angrily and raises his hand making me wince. For a moment, I thought he would hit me. "I can't believe you, Bella. You're afraid of me, your own boyfriend? Get over yourself and get dressed. We're going to Kelce's."

Anger builds up inside of me as I realize how Rafe is treating me right now. He's making it look like I don't want to see him or am doing something wrong if I want to meet others because he's too controlling. He laughed when he noticed that I winced. He enjoys it when I'm afraid of him and do what he says. I won't let him do that anymore.

"I am not coming to Kelce's with you", I finally tell him confidently but the moment of confidence is interrupted when Rafe raises his hand again and this time, he hits me. I automatically lay my hand on my cheek as pain and tears are building up.

"Bella", Rafe immediately whispers realizing what he's just done and comes closer trying to comfort me but I shake my head anxiously. He's shocked himself, I can see that. But I make use of that moment and quickly open the door to run out of his room and out of the house ignoring him calling for me.

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hey guys! this is a short reminder that I'm working on my Rudy Pankow story again, so you can find that one in my profile as well, it's called shining star. Hope you enjoy it :)