ISSUES II outer banks

mixed feelings

"I might be a jerk but that dude is a real dick."

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One week before summer break

"There she is, your favorite cousin!", JJ exclaims looking between Kie shaking his head as soon as I arrive, "Rafe's girlfriend." It hurts to see him like that. No one knows about us so he would only talk to me about us. Now that I'm the one who hurt him, he couldn't talk to anyone about it. He probably still believes Rafe since that boy was too sure about himself when he called me his girlfriend. The worse thing to me is that I understand JJ. I would probably do the same if someone talked about him in a romantic way and I found it out like that. I'd be devastated.

"Guys, please. I'm really not dating Rafe", I start as soon as I stand in front of them and let me fall down on the hammock, a sigh escaping my mouth. I would like to just hug JJ and tell him how I would never do that to him but everyone's here. "Oh, so you're not dating him. You just go and kiss a kook?", John B confronts me which is unusual for him. Usually, he's never angry or annoyed, he's a calm person apart from our adventures. "You what?!", Kie spits out her drink shocked and looks at me disgusted, "You kissed him? What in the hell were you thinking? Do you like him? He's Sarah fucking Cameron's brother!"

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"I know who he is!", I yell back, "To make it clear, I didn't kiss him. He kissed me on my cheek which is a huge difference." It feels like they were all against me right now and I could really understand them but Kie would make JJ angrier and I have to talk to him first before that could happen. "Then why would you kiss him?", JJ shouts back and I could feel how angry he is besides being hurt. "Because we've been dating until I broke up with him and he still likes me. That's why he kissed me on my cheek."

It's out. They just found out that I was dating a kook. I have had high hopes that I would never have to tell them about Rafe and I. The others look like they still need a moment to realize what I've just said but JJ gives me a look and nods into the direction of the house.

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JJ is the most emotional one of all of them so if I can calm him down, the others might forget about it, too. Plus, we've been close before so they wouldn't even think that there would be something between us when I follow him. After all, Kie believes in our rules and we see ourselves as Pogues more. And no Pogue on Pogue macking, right? Well, pogue or kook law, I'm a rule breaker.

I glance at the others who look like they don't know what to think or what to say so I tell the others that I would talk to JJ for a moment. "Let me calm JJ down and I'll tell you what has happened afterwards. Pope, John B and you deserve an explanation. I know that", I say to Kie quietly when I walk past her.

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"JJ", I whisper softly when he stands with his back to me and looks out of John B's window since we chose to talk in his room, "Talk to me, please."

"This was all about him? You were crying on my shoulder over a kook, fucking Rafe Cameron?", he raises his voice as he turns around quickly. Although he sounds angry, his eyes show a red tint. He looks like he would start to cry any moment. I move forward and take his hand cautiously in mine. "I understand that this isn't easy. I should have told you, each of you. It was wrong to lie to you but I really did not kiss him, I didn't cheat on you, JJ. You've seen that he's only kissed my cheek, that's it. I know that you're angry. It looked like there might be more between Rafe and I and I can't tell you to forget it. Fuck, if I saw you with another girl like that, I would freak out. I just.. I'm sorry", I nod lightly as if I have to tell myself that I should stop talking, "I can tell you the whole of the story about Rafe outside, the others are probably curious as well."

"I don't like it when you hang out with them", JJ states shortly and I nod. "Iz, you were dating a kook, an idiot like Rafe. I might be a jerk but that dude is a real dick."

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"It's the past, JJ. What is the real problem?" JJ sighs, I can feel that there is more behind his reaction than the fact that t I lied. When I lie, he gets angry. But now, he looks sad. It reminds me of the time whenever he comes to me as soon as his dad freaks out. He's more than angry. He looks disappointed. "I'm just a pogue and you're a kook. Rafe is still a dick but a kook wouldn't drag you down like I do", he admits and looks away, out of the window again.

JJ... How could he talk about himself like that? I raise my left arm to lay my hand on his cheek and look at him softly. He finally returns my look with his still red eyes. "I'm with you because I want you and no other guy. I don't want to be with John B, Pope or any other pogue or kook in a romantic way. I don't want Rafe. I broke up with him because of that. It's you who I want. I'm sorry if I gave you the feeling that you're not good enough but you definitely don't drag me down. JJ, you make me happy", I whisper and smile lightly when he pulls me into a tight hug, "Really happy. I've never been as happy as with you."

"It's just.. my dad and everyone else.. No one ever treated me like you do."

"I'm here, JJ. I won't hurt you again, I promise."