ISSUES II outer banks

apologies

"The only way to have a friend is to be one."

❥

Topper and I sat on the beach for about an hour more and were talking about the past when him, Sarah and I or him, Rafe and I used to hang out. It seemed like it has helped him to handle the situation about Sarah. I wish I could have told him about her but it was too dangerous as long as we didn't prove John B's innocence. Wheezie is one special person, Topper the other one.

I'm even surprised that Rafe hasn't told anyone already but the last time he saw her was when she was wounded. So he doesn't even know if she survived and where John B and her would be. Plus, Rafe would probably not tell Topper that he shot his friends' first love. Topper would freak out, even though he didn't mean to hurt her. At least that's what Sarah said and it must be true then.

❥

"Excuse me, could you be more careful?", I hear a man asking Rafe annoyed when I walk to the terrace of the country club and see Rafe lightly bumping into him, although it's been an accident. Topper went home so I decided to talk to Rafe right here. "I could", Rafe replies without any emotion and suddenly fills a shot glass with whiskey and staggers.

"No one wants to drink with me", Rafe complains when he spills the drink on him and the man stands up angrily and is about to start a fight with him but Rafe doesn't care about him and I decide to step in. "I'm sorry, he's still grieving for his sister", I quickly apologize and hold Rafe back on his chest, "Come on, boy. Let's go somewhere else." Rafe smirks at me and nods.

"Are you drunk?", I ask him directly while we're walking on the beach. "I know what it looked like earlier. I just lost control, I'm not drunk", he tells me honestly. I also noticed that he's not high at the moment so I am glad to talk to him in this moment instead of another one. "I'm sorry for not texting you back earlier, I've been in.. The pogues and I went to Charleston."

By mentioning the pogues I try to test him. Rafe has been telling me that he would change about a hundred times but whenever it was about John B or JJ, he lost control. If he reacts differently this time, I'll know that he's working on himself. "How was it?", he asks surprising me. Did he just ask he if I enjoyed hanging out with the pogues? Well, let's see how this conversation is going to continue.

"It was good", I sum it up. We might have been followed by some weird Charleston kooks but we met Sarah and John B and went home together. Actually, it was great. "Glad to hear that", Rafe goes on and gives me a weak smile. "How are things at home? What about you and your dad?", I ask him and stop walking so I can look him in the eyes. "It's.. better. Actually, no.. I've fucked up. I.. you'd hate me if you knew.. even more than you do now", Rafe stumbles and walks in circles rubbing his temples.

"Rafe, hey, stop walking around and look at me", I say seriously and take his arm so he comes back, "I don't hate you. I wish I could but I can't, okay? No matter what it is, I will never hate you. So you better tell me about it before you do coke again instead." "I shot Sarah", he admits and shakes his head out of frustration, "Fuck, I.. I didn't mean to hurt her! I don't want her to die. She was there.. on the Bahams with John B. They robbed us and I didn't know it was her. Shit, you didn't know.. I'm sorry, Bella, I should have told you. John B is alive but I don't know what happened to Sarah."

"Rafe, hey, calm down", I tell him seriously and take his hands back in mine so he would stop throwing his arms in the air nervously, "I know, okay? I know what happened and I knew that they're alive. They called us. You didn't kill her." "I didn't kill Sarah", Rafe repeats my words as if he couldn't believe it, "I didn't kill her."

"No, you didn't", I smile at him weakly and lay my arms around his chest to calm him down, "I know that you didn't want to hurt her and I don't hate you." "Really?", he whispers into my neck as he holds me tight. His voice cracks. Is he crying? "Rafe, hey", I say softly making him loot at me again, "I'm here." "No, you weren't. You promised me to be here.. always. Then you kissed JJ and broke up with me and.. nothing was the same as before."

"You know about JJ?", I whisper shocked but I also wonder why he never mentioned it. "I was looking for you, wanted to apologize for doing coke and letting my anger out on you. Then I saw you. And I let it out again on you the next day", he groans and looks like he's more angry about himself as he reminds us of that one night, "I hate myself for what I did to you and whenever I'm not high, I think back and.. it hurts that it's all my fault. I hate myself for hurting you. I'm so sorry."

"It's not, Rafe. You've been high and you had your reasons for being frustrated and I've hurt you, too. I'm sorry for not being there for you but I promise I will be there for you from now on. I won't break that one", I say honestly feeling sad about what I did to him. I'm not innocent myself. I promised him something and I didn't keep it. It's time to make up for it. "Really? After everything that's happened?" "Maybe none of this would have happened if I kept my promise. It's my fault, too." "I promise I'll be better.. I'll change for you. I might need some time but this time, I'll give my best. For real."

Talking to Rafe was more emotional than I expected it to be. I thought he would be angry again or high, anything but honest and clean. This time, I really believed him. I even began to imagine a world in which we are good friends. That is.. if the pogues won't freak out.

❥

"There she is", John B calls for me, "You missed your favorite kind of shopping." "We've got many different beers, snacks and more beer", Pope informs me. "How was it with Rafe and Topper? Macked on them?", Kie mumbles rolling her eyes and I gulp. Okay, looks like Pope and John B are nice to me, but Kie is still upset. "Kie, we said it's fine", Sarah reproves her and gives me a warm smile, "Go in and get dressed, we're about to party." I smile back at her and go into John B's room to put a bikini on.