Ipliers X Child Reader (On Hold)

Drowing in thoughts

Will's pov

They fell asleep in my arms, making me cry a little. I was afraid of myself. How can I keep myself from losing control over my life? I don't want to hurt them or anyone else but no matter how hard I try... I can never seem to stop it. Trust me I tried! I try my best everyday but... I am losing hope.

I can't even remember yesterday or what I did a few hours ago most days. It all seems like a blurr to me but of course I don't get to have blurry memories of that day... at the manor... No of course I remember that...

Looking down at the kid asleep in my arms I couldn't help but think about everything. I-I had been dealing with a lot of thoughts about... going... you know. Away. Forever.

And it makes me feel sick, I don't want to go but my past is haunting me and won't let me breathe. I feel like I'm a burden to everyone around me.

Dark constantly has to run after me, Google gets really annoyed with me when I forget something and then... There's them. No one else sees them but they won't leave me alone. I know they're not real. They can't be... I killed them, they're dead but that doesn't stop them from haunting me. My... best friend and lover from back then... Please- If you can hear me. Please stop haunting me- I-I am really sorry-

I know death is not going to give me this feeling of relief. I know that after I'm gone it'll be quiet but... I won't be able to experience it. And thinking about it... It scares me.

Not death. I am not afraid to die... I am afraid of trying and not making it. Staying alive and then being locked up and called crazy... No that that hasn't happened yet...

I was holding them tight. Not letting go as the thoughts slowly started to consume my head again. I know I need to stay alive for it to get better but where is this better place? Where's the escape to this endless cycle of hell? No one want's to die. It's just the last option when nothing else helps anymore.

I forget everything while also being haunted by memories. I'm hungry but can't eat. I'm tired but can't sleep. I want love but can't let anybody in. I can't find a way out and I feel... unlovable...

In the end everyone's selfish... I try my best but trust me... No one can be perfect. Everyone has flaws...

Everyone...

No matter how much you want to put them on the golden throne... Ignoring red flags is just killing your own heart because you're too scared to face the truth.

And I can't remember anything besides all these eyes... these empty eyes staring back at me. Once filled with light and hope. They all had a future and I took it... I am at fault for my friends dying... I wish I could exchange my life to have them be able to live...

If someone made a time machine I would do anything to get back in time and stop everything from going downhill.

I-I could never look at anyone and tell them how I'm feeling... Not after last time... I don't want to crush the last hope filled eyes I see around. I remember that day so vividly when I told Dark. I-I thought I could trust him but now he's worried constantly.

I already took way too many lives... I need to pay back. How do I give if I have nothing left? I feel like everyone is giving up on me...

I feel like I'm searching for a light at the end of a tunnel when in reality I'm stuck in a box, constantly hitting walls, forgetting that I hit the wall before and running against the next.

My mind is playing tricks on me. It won't let me go. How do I run from this?

It's too late for me isn't it..?

I hope not...

And then...as the sun started to rise my eyes grew heavy and I could escape this hell for just a few hours.