I Forgot That You Existed

Chapter 11

Nagising ako dala ang sariwang alaala mula sa panaginip na hindi ko alam saang bahagi ng subconscious mind ko naninirahan. Napansin kong nasa loob ako ng hospital room at iba't ibang tubo ang nakakonekta sa aking katawan. Iminulat ko ang aking mga mata at mabilis na huminga. Nasaan ako? Nakita ko ang aking nanay na nakatulog sa tabi ko, "Mom, what happened?" sambit ko kahit hindi ako sigurado kung malakas ba iyon pero sapat na iyon ng tuluyan siyang bumangon at nasupresa sa paggising ko. "Doc, she woke up!" Sigaw ni mama sa isang maliit na in-room telephone. "Mom, I need a pen and paper." Sambit ko sa sandaling marealize ko na unti-unting nawawala ang mga bakas ng panaginip sa utak ko.  Natanaw ko ang doctor at kasama niyang nurse na nagmamadaling pumasok sa kwarto.

"Ava, you're under stress. Baby, relax. Mom is here-" My mom tries to silence and calm me, but she seems don't understand what is going on in my head right now.

"Mom, listen to me, I need to write-" Tinurukan ako ng doctor hanggang sa unti-unti akong mawalan ng malay.

Dreams are basically stories and images that our mind creates while we sleep. They can be vivid. They can make you feel happy, sad, or scared. And they may seem confusing or perfectly rational.  Our dreams may reflect our own thoughts and feelings -- our deepest desires, fears, and concerns, especially dreams that happen over and over. Dreams can happen at any time during sleep. But you have your most vivid dreams during a phase called REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, when your brain is most active.

Some experts say we dream at least four to six times a night. By interpreting our dreams, we may gain insight into our lives and ourselves. Why dreams are easily forgotten. Maybe were designed to forget our dreams because if we remembered them all, we might not be able to tell dreams from real memories. Can dreams do come true or tell of a future event?  When you have a dream that plays out in real life, experts say its most likely due to coincidence, bad memory or an unconscious linking of known information. Some say its not that our minds forget dreams but that we don't know how to access them. This may explain why you suddenly remember a dream later in the day: Something may have happened to trigger the memory.

"Can dreams predict the Future? " I asked my therapist.

Halos mahigit isang buwan na mula ng mangyari ang aksidente na ikinasawi ng mga importanteng tao sa buhay ko. Sabi ni mama, tatlong lingo daw akong walang malay, pero naririnig niya akong may gustong sabihin, minsan daw nakakarinig nalang siya ng huni mula sa akin, sabi ng doctor dala daw iyon ng traumatic brain injury, natakot si Mama baka hindi na ako magising pa. I feel like I fell into some kind of trance.

"Dreams may be stored in our memory, waiting to be recalled. " Mahinahong sagot ng therapist ko. Therapy can help you learn about what you're feeling, why you might be feeling it, and how to cope. 

The human mind is vastly complex, comprised of a grid-work of neurons, chemical connections, and hormones, not unlike some busy street with automobiles and stop lights. Everything works smoothly until there is a disturbance. When any type of mental health or emotional concern affects daily life and function, therapy may be recommended. A therapist can help support you going forward, once you are no longer in crisis.  When the human body experiences a traumatic event such as a car crash, the stress hormone cortisol sky-rockets. Some of the things I've experienced is the inability to extract enjoyment from everyday activities.

Nakatulala lang ako sa labas ng bintana, pinagmamasdan ang buong hardin at ang paruparo na dumadapo sa iba't ibang bulaklak. Naalala kong minsan akong naging social butterfly, I get along with everyone I met but now things have changed. I tend to withdraw from social events and human contact. My mood swings ranging from anger to frustration to guilt due to high levels of stress and anxiety. Disrupted sleep patterns such as insomnia and nightmares got me journaling the entire night . I got tons of new fears or phobias developing such as fear of riding in a car. Napakahirap bumangon, napakahirap kumawala sa aftermath ng isang nakakapangsising aksidente. Kahit na minsan, alam mo naman ang mga dapat gawin, kahit na paulit-ulit mo ng naririnig ang mga payo ng therapist, ngunit may mga pagkatataon talagang mahirap gawin yung mga bagay na 'alam mo naman', mga bagay na nababasa mo naman. Pero may mga pagkakataon talagang kahit gaano ka katatag tinatalo pa rin ng mapait na nakaraan ang lakas ng iyong isipan sa puntong gusto mo nalang sumuko at magpatalo. Pero bakit nga ba kailangan kong magpatuloy?