I Forgot That You Existed

1

It is the year 2029.

I do not know what my sin is in the world, and I am forcibly punished by returning here to the cursed place of the past.

"Hey."

I turned away straight away. I've watched his pleased and sweet smile as it began to open, despite the fact that the sun's rays make it impossible for me to see him well. He is wearing a green scout shirt and is standing sturdy, but before I could describe it all, I took the wrong step and slipped off the precipice where I was standing. This would have been the last mistake I didn't accidentally make.

I hastily grabbed hold of some grass and carefully made my way out of the gully. I was almost there, but I guess now is not my time. You know I'm not afraid to die. The sad thing is that, if I continue to fall to the bottom of this abyss, I will definitely not die. Instead, my body would just be paralyzed by the rocks that would surely meet it before I could even reach the raging lake beneath it.

Being paralyzed is one of my biggest fears. Imagine that your brain gets overworked every goddamn night just to generate new ideas and think about exciting things, but unfortunately, you can't move and act on the ideas because you are goddamn paralyzed. You can't even move your toes. The plan of your troops that seemed possible a few years ago will not go through because you're not there. This is perhaps the most painful torture of all. I would rather die from a stray bullet than suffer a paralyzed body, but because of the situation and state of my life right now, I can't.

Two years ago, my life was interesting because I didn't know where I was going; all I knew was that I was going somewhere. It's exciting because I haven't arrived anywhere yet. I went to various parties and festivities and had fun until midnight. I met different people. I traveled all over the planet with my parents, visited countries usually twice a year, and I even got to ace in class. Imagine that. And the journey itself was exhilarating. The detours. The high school feels The uncertainty.  I made mistakes and was a teenage girl enough to admit that I made them, but I didn't slay myself for them. Back then, I did whatever I felt like doing that gave me pleasure. When did I stop? And why?

"Are you okay?" ... Ava?" he said after reading the name tag on my shirt.

"All freshmen, move to your respective groups and stop loafing around," I repeat.

We both stared at the camp as the voice of a professor rang with a megaphone. I immediately stood up and adjusted my hat.

"Uhm, thanks for your concern. I think you should go I said while shaking the dirt off my clothes. I started walking, carrying my backpack, away from the camp area where we would spend the night. Am I mad at this university? No, I'm just disgusted with everything.

Three months ago, I started naming myself a college freshman. The thing about college is that most of us, after twelve years of studying at lower grades, still don't know if we really did the right thing by choosing the career we were pursuing or if we will end up happy. Yet, I still do good for myself, as my friends believe. I like to believe every time they say, "Ava, you are lucky because you've got your whole life planned," yet deep down I know I am also one of those lost souls trying to find a place in this world.

I'm a free-spirited person who is open to a lot of things. I never judge people; instead, I welcome and listen to them as much as I enjoy hearing new stories every single day. I'm normal, boldly unsophisticated, longer misguided, or any other word you could relate to teenagers. but not suicidal. since I met Nicole. Who would've gone through depressing times if you had a friend who taught you how to be too much of an angsty, self-centered girl to worry about anything but yourself? You'll never see her sad or problematic about anything because she can think of solutions right away. For her, if things are done, then it's definitely over. Move on and stop living with regrets. She's never been a fan of drama, and I miss her a lot. She and I are a lot alike, except she's much more outspoken and says whatever comes to her mind and then thinks about it later. She is forever putting her foot in her mouth, but that's what I loved about her. Plus, the fact that she really doesn't give a shite I'm not as impulsive as her; I at least try to consider the consequences of what I'm doing, but even if I'm scared, I usually do it anyway because it kind of gives me a rush. That's why I long for her every time I need someone to talk to or do reckless stuff with her. Also, my down-to-earth persona is one of many things I inherited from my father. We were so close. He enjoyed traveling and researching nature. We used to trek in this forest, and he taught me a lot of amazing stuff. I loved my father, and I miss him.

I feel nostalgic about things that will never happen again because my two favorite people are now dead. And in this place where I'm trudging in is where their soul lives after the car accident two years ago.

Unfortunately, I managed to survive the accident. A year later, my mother decided to go back to Canada and run their family glamping site, and I left here all alone. I had lived a life of solitary confinement to punish myself or at least get away from all the pain. I've been busy hosting my pity party for two fucking years.

Right now, I'm tired of thinking about how uneventful my life has been, and I wish I knew what I could do to put the fizz back into it. How to resurrect myself how to shoot some vitality into my heart, into my mind, and into this school where my career lies. I haven't always been dead. I used to live a somewhat exciting life. I used to take chances. I used to do some crazy shit and didn't give a damn because I wasn't hurting anybody. It's never too late to go back, isn't it?

So now, without hesitation, I'm trekking into this place where I once cursed and cast a spell of not going back. I just realized that there's only one solution for all this grief and repeating traumatic scenarios in my head: to trudge all the way up to this mountain and let all the memories and pain sink in. Because the only way to get through uncomfortable emotions and deal with them is to go through them. to let yourself feel sad and move on.

"Hey!" he shouted as I heard his quick run towards me.

          I stopped walking and turned to look at him. I immediately noticed a thin, brown, and brunette-haired woman behind him, who I think is waiting for me to return to the camp. What is this? When else did the bitter punishment have sweet dessert? Moments later, he came closer to where I was standing.

"She's one of the head scouts, and she's waiting for you to come with her. You're Block C, and they've already gone to their bivouac. I think you should go now," he thoroughly explained, even though he was a little breathless from running. Did he think I was happy with his concern? He only complicates my situation.

In the distance, I saw the brunette woman walking towards us and shouting, "Hey, what are you guys doing? You'll be running out of space to sleep. Come on." Geez, what should I say? You're good at this. Ava, think fast.

       "She dropped her necklace somewhere. "It has ruby stones in it." Even though I didn't see his unbreakable straight-faced expression, I was surprised by his unexpected lying.

"Oh, yes, I know it has to be here." I pleaded and acted like I was looking for a fictional necklace.

        "Yes, give us a minute. "We'll be there soon." He promised. His acting skills are impressive, huh? I'm already wondering what he's up to. Nevertheless, whatever it is, he can't interfere with my plans.

           "No, I can find it myself. You can take him with you." Self-absorbed is my language.

           "Whatever, just a minute." The woman said this, and she walked away from where we were standing.

"Wow, that was me offering you a basket of olives, and there's you, splitting it to my face." He complained about me.

            This conversation should not flow out of immaturity. Stop those childish words; you're eighteen. Just get rid of him and just continue your plan, please, I whispered to myself.

"What." my impatient response as I turned to him.

"Could I shadow you?" Oh, come on.

              "I don't need company." my calm response as I continued to walk carrying my backpack.

            "No, I-"

            "Don't you get it? I wanted to be alone. Back-off!" My goodness Ava, you're not allowed to stormed out like that, come on breathe. Heck, because of this man, my right and left brain hemispheres are arguing.

"I'm one of the scouts; I can report you if you won't let me."

He keeps on insisting, which made me pissed and say, "You know what? If you want to follow me, you can sneak your way around asshole! Don't ask for fucking permission, tsk." I find myself saying before I realize what I've just exactly offered.

My eyes just rolled, and I continued walking with nothing else to say and seemingly nothing to do.