I Forgot That You Existed

I Forgot That You Existed (Full English Version)

It's year 2029.

      I dont know what my sin is in the world and I am forcibly punished for returning to this place.

      "Hey."

       I immediately turned away. Although I can't see him very well because of the sun's rays. I watched the happy opening of his smiles, wearing the green scout tshirt but before I could describe it all, I took a wrong step and slipped from the precipice where I was standing. This would have been the last mistake I didnt accidentally make.

          I quickly clung to the grass, and slowly crawled away from the ravine. Almost. I'm not afraid to die. The sad thing is that if I continue to fall into this abyss, I will definitely not die. Instead my body would only be paralyzed because a large rock would surely meet my body, before I could even reach the raging lake beneath it.

         Being paralyzed is what I fear the most, just imagine, it's too much if your brain works to create new ideas and think of exciting things then you can't even do it because you're paralyzed. You will not be able to move your toes. The plan of your troops a few years ago was even defeated but it could not be continued. This is perhaps the most painful torture of all. I would rather die from a stray bullet than live with a paralyzed whole body, because in the situation and state of my life, I can't.

          Two years ago, my life was interesting because I didn't know where I was going, I just knew I was going somewhere. It was exciting because I hadn't arrived anywhere yet. I've been to a lot of midnight madness parties. Meet different persons. Travel the world with my parents twice a year. Getting laid and still graduated with flying colors, imagine that. And the journey itself was exhilarating. The detours. The high school feels. The uncertainty. I used to change my mind about things right in the middle of doing shit. Made mistakes and was a teenager girl enough to admit I made them but I didn't slay myself for it. Back then I did whatever I felt like doing that gave me pleasure. When did I stop? And why?

         "Are you ok? Uhm .. Ava?", He said after reading the name tag on my tshirt.

         "All freshmen students, go to your respective groups and stop loafing around! I repeat—"

         We both stared at the camp from the voice of a prof that rang with a megaphone. I immediately stood up and adjusted my hat.

         "Uhm, thanks for your concern. I think you should go." , I said while shaking the dirt on my clothes. I started walking with my backpack on, away from the camp area where we were going to stay. Do I hate this university? No, I just hate everything.

          It's been three months since I started to name myself as college freshman. The thing about college is that most of us, after twelve years of studying in lower grades, we still don't know if we really did the right thing of choosing the career we're pursuing or if we will be ended up happy. Yet, I'm still doing fine, doing good on my own as what my friends believe so. I want to believe whenever they say, 'Ava you're lucky because you got your whole life planned out', but deep down I knew I'm also one of lost wandering souls trying to find a place in this world.

          I'm free-spirited person and open to a lot of things. I never judge people, instead I welcome and listens to them as much as I enjoy hearing new stories every single day. I'm normal, boldly unsophisticated, longer misguided, or any other words you could relate to teenagers. But not suicidal, since I met Nicole. Who would've gone through depressing times if you have a friend who will teach you how to be too much of an angsty self-centered girl to worry about anything but yourself. You'll never see her sad or problematic about anything because she could think of solutions right away. For her, if things are done then it's definitely over, move on and stop living with regrets and she hates drama, I miss her a lot. She and I are a lot alike except she's much more outspoken and says whatever comes to her mind and then think about it later. She is forever putting her foot in her mouth but that's what I loved about her: plus the fact that she really doesn't give a shit. I'm not as impulsive-I atleast try to consider the consequences of what I'm doing but even if I'm scared I usually do it anyway, because it kinda gives me a rush. That's why I'm longing for her every time I need someone to talk to or doing fun with her. Also, my down to earth persona is one of many things I inherited from my father. We were so close, he enjoyed traveling and researching about nature. We used to trekked in this forest and teaches me a lot of amazing stuffs. I loved my father and I miss him.

            I feel nostalgic of things that will never happen again, because my two favorite people are now dead. And in this place where I'm trudging in, is where their soul lives after the car accident two years ago. Unfortunately lucky, I managed to survive the accident. A year after, my mother decided to go back to Canada and runs their family glamping site and I left here all alone. I live a solitary confinement life to punish myself or at least get away from all of the pain. I get myself busy hosting my pity party for two fucking years.

           Right now I'm tired of thinking about how uneventful my life has been and I wish I knew what I could do to put the fizz back into it. How to resurrect myself. How to shoot some vitality into my heart, my mind, this school where my career lies in. I haven't always been dead. I used to live a somewhat exciting life. I used to take chances. I used to do some crazy shit and didn't give a damn because I wasn't hurting anybody. It's never too late to go back, isn't it?

        So now, without hesitation, I'm trekking into this place where I once cursed and cast a spell of not going back. I just realized that there's only one solution for all of this grief and repeating traumatic scenarios in my head - that is to trudge all the way up to this mountain and let all of the memories and pain sink in. Because the only way to get through uncomfortable emotions, the only way way to deal with them, is you have to go through them. To let yourself feel sad and move on.

          Hey!, He shouted as I heard his quick run towards me.

          I stopped walking and turned to look at him. I immediately noticed a thin, brown and brunette -haired woman behind him and we were all waiting to return to camp. What's this? When else did the bitter punishment have dessert. Moments later, he came closer from where I was standing.

          "She's one of the head scouts, and she's waiting for you to come with her. You're Block C, and they're already gone to their bivouac. I think you should go now.", He explained even though he was a little breathless from running. . Did he think I was happy with his concern. He only complicates my situation.

        In the distance I saw the brunette woman walk up to our seat and say, "Hey, what are you guys doing? You'll be running out of space to sleep. Come on." What can I say, you're good at this Ava, think fast.

        "She dropped her necklace somewhere. It has ruby ​​stone in it." Even though I didn't see my face, I was surprised by his unexpected lying.

        "Oh - yes, I know it has to be here.", I pleaded and acted like I was looking for a fictional necklace.

        "Yes, give us a minute. We'll be there soon." He promised. Its acting talent is impressive huh. I'm already wondering what he's up to, as long as no matter what, he can't interfere with my plans.

           "No, I can find it myself. You can take him." Ignorance is my language.

           "Whatever, just a minute." The woman said and walked away from where we were standing.

            "Wow, that was me offering you a basket of olives and there's you, splitting it to my face." He complained towards me.

            This conversation should not goes out of immaturity. Stop those childish words, you're eighteen. Just get rid of him and just continue your plan, please, I whisper to myself.

"What.", Was my impatient response and turned to him.

"Could I shadow you?" Take a look at this.

            "I don't need company." My calm response and continued to walk carrying my backpack.

            "No, I-"

            "Don't you get it? I wanted to be alone. Back-off!" Oh my goodness Ava, you're not allowed to stormed out like that, come on breathe. Heck, because of this man, my right and left brain hemispheres are arguing.

             "I'm one of the scouts, I can report you if you won't let me-"

              He keeps on insisting which made me pissed and say, "You know what, if you want to follow me, you can sneak your way around asshole! Don't ask for a fucking permission, tsk." I find myself saying before I realized what I'd just exactly offered.

           My eyes just rolled, continued to walk, nothing else to say and seemingly nothing to do.