A year to live and die

Opening up and losing it

You can't! 

We can't smile when our heart is heavy and full of sadness, or maybe grief. 

We were due in ten minutes to the rehearsal dinner. Staring at the mirror as I observed my reflection. Then, I was done. Black-white long dress with v-line around my chest, showing a slight part of my breasts. My eyes were gleaming with unhappy happiness and the sadness standalone at the corner. I couldn't pull a smile on my face. No matter how I encouraged myself, the corners of my lips were still down. 

Aaron. It was Aaron. He kept on prowling, strolling my brain. The tablets he was going to take were on my conscience. I understood him. How? Why? I didn’t know. It all revolved back to him. He was hurt. He was breaking down every day, every single second of his life. I didn't know how someone could love someone this much. Yes, I loved Aidan, and I was disappearing away from myself to my inner grief, but suicide never crossed my brain. It did once, but for totally another reason. 

Casually, it would be the easiest thing to fake a smile. Unfortunately, it was the hardest thing that I tried to get done with. It was even more arduous than getting through the rehearsal dinner and the wedding day. 

That's because my idiot mind kept on thinking about Aaron. He kept on crossing my mind. Controlling my thoughts. I wanted to help him more than I ever wanted to cave in my bedroom and immerse myself in my sadness or grief. But why? Why must it be him in all of the men around the world? Was it because his eyes resemble mine? That's what I told myself from the very first day I met him. The first moment when I landed my eyes on him. Funny thing, was everything was a lie. I had been with guys like him. Torn into pieces just like him. No one appealed to me. 

At first, I thought that it was a physical temptation. Unfortunately, it was not. Because after the pills episode, I was unstable with my emotions. It was all around the air. It was his. It was Aidan's loss and my nightmares. I was worried about him. Why? He was no one! 

I remembered the post-it on my mirror. Classic word 'Smile'. Finally, I plastered a smile on my face. Applying the red lipstick on the bottom lip rather than on the top. 

Why am I helping him? Can I help him? What if I am feeling more? What if he unravels me? See, through me? much more?

I inhaled harshly and urgently, needing air. Feeling like I was being suffocated at the moment. These thoughts. It was all because of him. I should have stayed away from him. However, I couldn't do it. Even if it was nonsense, I had this urge to help him. At least I would figure out the reasons for him being chosen out of all men.  

Stepping out and knocking on his walls. His walls came down before he sat on the floor, his back pressing his bed, his knees up and apart from each other while his head down.

He didn't change at all since he was still wearing the torn shirt. Even his room wasn't as clean as before. Pieces of cut clothes were scattered on the floor, all around his room. 

 I decided to clean the room by picking every piece on the floor first. Once I was done, I pressed down his walls. The least I wanted was for someone to see me in his hut and assume something. Though, it would be better than Aidan and Mia's name being brought to the table. 

I sat in front of him. As if he could feel my presence, he raised his head and stared at me. I could see that he was being expressive. His heart was pouring out his hidden emotion. I wondered if he was as expressive as in front of others. As much as I knew him, I didn't think he was. 

He covered his face with his hands before his fingers took their way through his unruly hair. Yet, I couldn't figure out why his shirt was ripped. It was frustrating indeed. I bit on my bottom lip as I pondered over the matter. I gazed at him through narrowed eyes.