A year to live and die

The day

His hand bled as he stared at Mia's frame, and my heart raced in my chest as I crouched down on my knees. I willed my hand to stop shaking as I slowly took Mia's photo from his hand. 

"Clean your mess!" I ordered. 

I was on the verge of losing my mind. I didn’t know what I was feeling. I stood up and placed the frame on the dressing table, carefully enough not to break it. If it were like the emotions I was experiencing, I would have not only broken the frame but also crushed this room altogether. 

I peered at the mirror and saw the fork covered with blood lying on the bed. I put it on the tray and picked it while his footsteps echoed in the room. 

"Sianna," I heard his dismal voice. 

I stopped in my tracks and clutched on the tray hard as I shut my eyes, averting the stream of tears from coming out. 

Don't reply, Sianna. That's better for both of you. Just walk out. 

I opened my eyes and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. Every step I took was as difficult as breaking a diamond. I put down the dishes on the cabinet. 

Your parents first, and now him. Remember, every single day you lived was lost without them. Hurt and afraid was what you felt. 

My brain started listing things I would rather put in a box and throw far away. However, how can you cut off a life you have lived in your lifetime?

Remember, you loved Aidan. He helped you to be on your toes. He made you feel special, wanted. You dreamt of a big house, a pair of beautiful boy twins and girl twins.

"Stop it! Stop it!" I said through my gritted teeth. It was suffocating. Every word my brain said choked me.

And now, Aaron. Don’t you see that yourself? He's gonna hurt you as the others did. When Aidan died, you went back to your shell. Lost and afraid. But what will happen to you when Aaron does the same? Imagine it. 

I closed my eyes as I started pacing around, my hands fisting and uncurling repeatedly. My brain was telling me the worst-case scenarios. That ache, hurt, chaos, that painful, bitter sorrow, that big ball of emotion was dancing in my heart and messing with my brain. 

Every time my brain played the rhythm, I didn't have the voice. It sang, and my shallow voice drowned under its words. Every step my heart took with the classic song of my brain, and my heart started getting lost as a puzzle. And I failed to achieve the entire spectrum from the right to the left as we danced across the puzzle because of how I tried to move on. Now it's striking up and raising a tornado with it. 

I breathed in and out to calm myself down. No, it didn't get better. My heart was racing, my brain was still singing, and my nails dug into my flesh, but nothing mattered at all. I opened my eyes. I wanted to break something or crush someone and shout at the top of my lungs to get rid of this suffocation I was experiencing. I couldn’t possibly let this feeling stay in. 

I snatched open the kitchen drawer and took out a bunch of glasses from the rack. I picked the first one and threw it on the floor. 

Why me? Am I made of steel? 

The second one followed, shattering into bits and pieces, and tears lingered in my eyes. 

Is the universe against me? What did I do to get this? Am I a bad person? 

It was good. As good as puffing all of your emotions out. 

I lost control. I kept breaking one glass after the other without taking a break. Just like my life.