A year to live and die

The beginning

(Blind date)

Life wouldn’t be that exciting if you get everything you want, although it would be easier that way. Remember that you wouldn’t be where you are today had you gotten everything you ever desired. Life works out for the best, and what is meant to happen will unfold when the time is ripe.

Losing Aidan was worse than going through hell, not because I loved him but because he was the only one who knew me well, understood me well. Even though I distinguish the two feelings quite clearly, I lost myself when I lost him; I went deeper into his decay, and the sorrow and wound controlled me. What I didn’t discern was, sooner or later, I was going to take the same route that Aaron took. 

I had once wished to take my life; I was living on the road; my stomach was empty. It was cold and dark; there was no place for me to retire for the night. Drunk guys passed by me, insulting and calling me names—slut, useless, worth the fuck. It hurt me. I was fourteen back then, and things were harder. Yet, how I am living today is different from yesterday, and it’s less painful.

Every joy I wore had either too short sleeves or too long ones. Either they were too wide or too tight for me, and every grief came fitting for my size as if it were made for me.

I had to move before I fell into Aaron’s receptacle. Things will never get better until I decide for it to get better. Until I resolve to learn more, work harder, work smarter, change my daily habits, eliminate negative influences, this is going to be my life. This is my life. It is up to me to make a difference if I want to be better because the brain behaves as you feed it.

So, I was on a blind date that Kyle fixed me up for. I just had to make a call with her, and that resulted in this arrangement. His name is Daniel, and he is a doctor—a little older than me, though he is okay. I don’t know if this is the right thing to do as a first step, but I am down for anything. I even bought new multicolored dresses. Now, my closet is not all black and white, but green, red, purple, and other colors are also visible. 

I have decided on one more thing. I am not going to help anyone until I am sure I have completely moved on from Aidan.    

Right now, I’m waiting for Daniel to say or do something that would impress me so that I can be drawn to him a little more. He’s already repeated several questions in the last five minutes. For example, how old I am. I told him I was twenty-four—the same age I was five minutes ago. He asks me when my birthday is, and I tell him it is still October 26th.

I’m trying not to be a bitch about it, but he makes it difficult when it’s clear he isn’t paying attention to a single answer I provided him with. I am not surprised since his eyes are on someone behind me.

"So you are a doctor," I said, getting him to focus on me. 

He nods.

"Who are you staring at?" I didn't want to turn and check who the chick was. I believe she was a girl hotter than me. 

"My ex-wife is sitting at one table to the right. Alone. It's a long story."

I have no idea what that says about him. He was married and got divorced. Why didn't their relationship work, and why is he on a blind date with me when he's still hung up on her? Besides, it’s hard to pay attention to Daniel because there’s something much more interesting behind him. Two tables away, smirking in my direction, is Aaron. As soon as I recognize him, I immediately look down at my plate.