Poor Little Rich Boy

Part 17/ "...It would have hurt less."

"In-inhaler." I point to the beside table,and he jumps to it,almost breaking the drawer from how fast he opens it,getting my inhaler to me immediately,helping me up so I'm laying against his chest,bringing it to my mouth as I take it between sobs,trying to calm my breathing a little so my chest doesn't hurt.
I can feel myself breathing better,and turn to him,while he stares at me with tears in his eyes,making me break down all over again when he says "You're scaring me,baby."

He hugs me to him as I cry into his chest,letting all the pain and the hurt go as I hit his shoulder,it only causing him to hug me tighter to him,my tears staining his shirt.
"I'm so fucking sorry..." I know he thinks this is because if his attempt to sleep with me,but this was about much more than that.
"Y-you hurt me," I sob quietly "You broke my heart."

And that was when he got it. I had never actually confronted him about that God awful night,where I had my first panic attack since my mom died. The night he left.
"I'm sorry Stefan,I know you didn't want to,but you did. And that broke me. And I can't just move pas it." I cry into his shoulder,as he kisses my forehead,getting up and sitting on the bed,with me in his arms,covering my naked legs with a blanket as he holds me close.

"Then we're gonna talk about it. You can hit me. Cry. Scream. Anything. Just please talk to me." I nod slowly as we both lay down facing each other,he hugs be close,his thumb brushing the tears off my cheeks.
"Go on."

I take a deep breath,not even knowing where to start "That night,is when I had my first panic attack since after my mom died. And I didn't know what was happening..." My voice starts shaking again,so I just decide to go with it,try and talk through the tears and sobs.

"I never loved someone as much as I did you. And the thought of you just leaving me for money? That made me feel so fucking worthless. I mean I know I could never offer you everything you have now,but I knew I could make you happy. But when you said those things...when you told me that you don't love me. I felt so numb,that I just....couldn't breathe. And God,the baby."He never takes his eyes off me,listening to every word I was saying.

"I didn't want to eat or sleep or talk to anyone. I worried Lilly and Uriah to death. But I just felt everything at once,and then nothing. That's why it was so easy to stay away from guys.
I just couldn't feel anything anymore. Until I saw you again." I try to take deep breaths in between speaking.
"I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. Because I thought you didn't care about what you did. I thought you forgot about me. Like I was nothing . That thought hurt the most..."

I go on and on,crying until there were no tears to come out,letting out all the hurt that has been inside of me all this time. And he didn't say anything. He was patiently laying there,kissing my tears away,and caressing my hair as I told him how much I hated him.
We lay in silence for a while,my head on his chest as he holds me close,his fingers tracing up and down my arm.

"Your face that night is going to haunt me for the rest of my life," He starts talking so calmly,his touch never stopping as he continues,but I can hear his heart rate elevating "I loved you more than life itself. And to say those words to you was like a shard of glass being pushed into my chest..." He interlocks his fingers with mine,squeezing my hand.

"You started crying. I had never seen you cry. You were my whole world,and I made you cry. Id hear your voice and see your tears in every fucking nightmare I had,for two years..." He breathes slowly,his voice trembling "You said that you couldn't have offered me all of this. But I would trade all of it for just a day of being with you in college. Laying on the couch in that tiny apartment,reading,knowing that I had your unconditional love. That was true happiness. Not all this bullshit." I kiss his chest,thinking that it was over,but he continues.