The October Amaryllis

Chapter 107 - May 19th, 2020 - 12:46 P.M.

"Hi, Mom," I awkwardly said upon entering my room. Seeing her again was a surreal experience; it felt like I hadn't seen her in years despite it only being a few days.

"Oh, Clive, what are we going to do with you?" she asked with a worried tone, shaking her head.

"You're way too worried about all of this; I'll be fine," I said a little too casually. The truth is, I was more trying to convince myself than her that I'd be okay. I knew deep down I permanently damaged at least a few parts of my brain. I definitely damaged my amygdala.

"I hope so; I don't know if I could go through this nightmare all over again," she said with tears in her eyes.

"Was I really that out of it?" I asked curiously.

"You locked yourself in the hospital bathroom because you thought the doctors were trying to hurt you. They had to drag you out of there, and they said your resting heart rate was at 190 beats per minute. You're lucky to be alive."

"Mom, do you think I'm a good person?" I asked, genuinely curious as to whether or not she thought I was a decent human being. I certainly didn't feel like one.

"Of course! Why would you be anything else?" she asked, taken aback by my question.

"I'm selfish. I hurt those I love constantly. I get mad at everything and everyone so easily, and I'm a total loser," I replied with my eyes stinging.

"That's just called being a teenager. Look, when I was your age, I wasn't the most likable person either."

"How bad were you?" I asked, ecstatic to hear about her past.

"I dumped this one boy two weeks before we were supposed to go to prom," she replied, cringing.

"You what?!" I nearly yelled out in shock.

"Yup, I went that low. I used to bully others," she said with a look of shame.

"I did too, but I outgrew it. Bullies are pathetic; they're always picking on those who can't defend themselves. My school does all these anti-bullying rallies, but they change nothing; you can't change human nature," I replied with a frustrated sigh.

"I don't agree with that; plenty of people change over their lifetime."

"People can change, but at the end of the day, we're all drawn by instinct to do evil. We're only animals after all..."

"Except you know what makes us different from other animals?" she asked with a tiny smile.

"What?"

"Morality, we're the only species that base our decisions on ethics over instincts."

"I mean, yeah, that is true. Anyways, how have you been doing since, you know?" I asked, curious as to how she was dealing with my father's death.

"Well... it's been difficult for sure. Imagine knowing someone for twenty years and then losing them. It's a hell I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemies."

"We'll be alright," I said supportively.

"Oh! That reminds me of something I've been listening to lately," she excitedly exclaimed.

"What's that?" I asked curiously.

"Do you know the band Weezer?"

"Obviously, I know Weezer! I don't live under a rock, you know... Pinkerton is one of my favorite albums."

"Just checking, I've been listening to their album Everything Will Be Alright In the End. It's their best one in a while. Raditude was absolute garbage."