goodnight // lashton

goodbye.

Ashton's POV

I grabbed the pills from where I had hid them, sitting on the floor next to my bed. I had pills and a blade. There's only one possible way this could go. I set them both on top of my bed and went to my desk. I had notes to write. I grabbed some paper and started writing.

Laurie,

Thank you so much for taking care of me. I couldn't have asked for a better guardian. I'm sorry that I never called you mum or could never be a good son. You've done more for me than I could ever ask for. This isn't your fault, okay? Don't think you're a bad parent at all. You and Stephen are the best parents a kid could ask for. I'd get another kid, you know, if you're up for it? I'm sure he/she would be a better son/daughter than me. Tell them that their brother loves them, okay? I love you so much. Thank you. Don't forget about me, okay?

Love, Ashton

One down, three to go. I didn't really have many people to write to. Not enough people cared. I put Laurie's in an envelope, wrote her name on the back, and grabbed another sheet of paper.

Stephen,

Thank you for taking care of me. I know I was probably the worst son ever, huh? Doesn't play sports and kisses boys. That's not what any normal dad would want in a son, am I right? But that's the thing; you're not a normal dad. You're kind of dad is the kind of dad who will love his son no matter what he does or who he is or who he loves. And that's the best kind of dad a son could ask for. I'm sorry that I couldn't be happy or strong enough to stay alive. You were the best replacement dad I could've asked for. I love you so much. Thank you. Don't forget about me, okay?

Love, Ashton

Two down, two to go. Halfway there. I put it in an envelope, wrote his name on the back, and grabbed another sheet of paper.

Charlotte,

You were there for me when no one else was. Thank you so much for that. I needed someone and you were that someone. Just thank you so fucking much. I know I could've been a better friend, but you looked past that and I couldn't thank you enough for that. This isn't your fault at all. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I love you.

P.S. keep an eye out on Luke for me please. He's not as big of an asshole as I used to think.

Love, Ashton

Three down, one to go. This was going to be the hardest one, too. I put Charlotte's in an envelope, wrote her name on the back, and grabbed another sheet of paper.

Luke,

Where to begin? We were best friends, then we weren't, then we were dating. We've had quite an eventful relationship, haven't we? I always pushed my feelings for you back. When we were best friends, I had a crush on you. You never would've suspected it, huh? I hid it. When you became an asshole, I still liked you. And I hated that I still liked you. I wanted to hate you. I wanted to want to think that if I pushed you against a wall, I would punch you. But I knew that if I actually pushed you against a wall, I would kiss you. I ignored my feelings until the night you pushed me against a car and kissed me. They came back and were more evident than ever. Than you ignored me more than before that happened. So I pushed my feelings back again. Than when you found me driving, rain pouring down, and blood all over me, I blew up. I couldn't help it. Then I just stopped ignoring my feelings. And, eventually, you stopped ignoring yours. This isn't your fault, okay? I know you'll blame yourself, but this isn't your fault at all. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I just couldn't handle LIFE anymore. This would've happened a lot sooner, though, if I had never met you. You kept me alive, Luke. Thank you, but I'm better off dead. I love you so fucking much, okay? Don't get too hung up over this. You'll meet someone better. Just think of me as a bump in the road. Not one that you hit and like spill hot coffee all over yourself. More of one that you brace yourself for and hit and bounce up and you feel exhilarated. That was weird. Okay. I love you.

Love, Ashton

I sighed, putting Luke's note in at envelope and wrote his name on the back in all caps. That was it. That was everything I didn't say but always wanted to. I lined all the envelopes up and went and sat on my bed. I grabbed the pills, my phone, and a blade.

I poured fourteen pills out of the bottle. Enough to kill me. I didn't know why, but fourteen felt like the right number. Maybe because I'm fourteen. I don't know. I didn't care. I just swallowed them all.

I grabbed my blade after that, cutting as deep as I could on my wrists. Blood followed my blade after each cut. I felt dizzy, but I didn't care. I liked it.

I grabbed my phone to send Luke a text. He texted me goodnight earlier, but I never replied. But now I was going to.

To: lukayyyyy

goodbye.

~