Mountains To Cross

Epilogue

Epilogue

"Alam ko na mahirap." Ate Dianne said, "Ang sakit, 'no? When Dad returned to Tita, hindi ko alam kung ano ang mararamdaman ko. Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong matuwa dahil masaya siya o dapat ba akong malungkot para kay Mommy. I had the same questions in mind, Tain. Minahal manlang ba niya si Mom? Kahit saglit lang? O kahit ba nasa tabi niya ang nanay ko, si Tita Naih pa rin ang mahal niya?"

"Bakit tinanggap mo pa rin, Ate?" Tanong ko. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan.

"I remembered how much he made my mom happy when she was still here. Napaisip ako. Kung hindi minahal ni Dad si Mommy, hindi siya sasaya ng ganoon. You know what are the last words she uttered to us before dying? I am so happy." Ate said, "She is dying and the last words she told us that she is genuinely happy. Hindi ko kayang magalit sa mundo tuwing iniisip ko ang nanay ko."

"But still..."

"Tain," Tumingin ako kay Ate Dianne, "One day, you'd figure it out. Maiintindihan mo rin kung bakit may mga taong mahirap kalimutan o may mga taong patuloy na minamahal. You will also realize that love will never be enough, kaya may mga pagkakataon na kailangan nilang bitawan ang isa't isa."

No, I don't think so.

I am not as understanding like Ate Dee. I will never understand.

I think I will never understand why my father still kept her letters and pictures in our attic. I think I will never understand why he kept his wedding ring with that woman. I will never understand why he named me after her. I am not her son. I am Tiara's son. Kaya gaano ba kakapal ang mukha niya para kuhanin ang pangalan ko sa ibang babae?

Tahimik akong pumanik sa attic ng bahay isang gabi, pagkatapos ng aksidente na kinahantungan namin ni Risela. I stared at an old, dusty and vintage box with the initials of that woman. Dahan-dahan ko iyong binuksan.

The first picture I saw... is my father, with her. Base sa lugar na nasa litrato ay sa South Korea ito kinuha. They are both young and full of life. Labis-labis ang pagngiti nila sa kamera, para bang walang magnanakaw ng mga sandaling ito sa kanila. Those smiles made me feel horrible. Those smiles made me feel like no one can replace her in my father's life. Not even me, not even Tanya, not even my mother. My mother who loved him through his ups and downs, my mother who endured everything for him.

And then, I saw solo pictures of her. The first one is a graduation picture, followed by a picture of her wearing a prosecutors robe. Kasunod noon ay ang mga litrato nila Daddy mula pagkabata, hanggang sa kasal na nangyari sa kanila bago siya namatay. And the last picture... the last picture... shocked me. Something in it brought me pain. Ang huling litrato sa kahon ay sila... sa Switzerland.

Si Daddy lang ang tanging nakangiti sa litrato. She already looks thin and weak. Inosente pa rin ang mga mata ngunit iba na talaga ang kanyang mukha. The illness swallowed her youth.

I know her story. Everyone loves talking about it so I endured hearing it while I was growing up. I know what happened to her. I know what happened in Switzerland. So when I saw the picture of her, sitting on a wheelchair as she kept these memories with my father, probably for the last time, guilt went through my system.

I hated it. Ayokong maguilty dahil sila dapat ang maguilty na ginagawa nila ito sa Mommy ko. I don't want to back out from the anger I have for my father. So everything that reminds me of Sierra Yoon, I tried to get them out of my life. I will get rid of them. I don't want them in my life. Una, ang sarili kong ama.