Pleasuring Him [R-18]

Chapter 18

Growing up, nakatarak na sa isipan ko na dapat makapag-asawa ako ng mayaman. Iyon ang tinatak sa akin ni Mama simula bata pa lamang ako. And I never thought of other things that I really wanted to do. Para bang ipinanganak lamang ako sa mundong ito upang tuparin ang lahat ng pangarap ni Mama. I am never my own but other people. And now that I have the freedom that I always wanted, isang tanong lamang ang gumugulo sa isipan ko. Ano nga ba talaga ang gusto ko?

"You look gorgeous!" Napangiti ako sa komplimentong ibinigay ng baklang gumupit sa aking mahabang buhok.

It's been a long time since I had this long hair, and I think it's about time to cut it just the way I wanted. Nanumbalik ang alaalanv nasa high school pa lamang ako. I once asked my mother If I cpuld cut my hair, pero tinutulan niya iyon. Wala akong nagawa sa pagkakataong iyon kundi sundin siya. Ganoon naman yata talaga ang role ko noon. Sunud-sunurab sa gusto ng iba. Iyong tipong hindi ako makagawa ng desisyong para sa sarili ko, o ibahagi man lang ang saloobon ko. I was deprived of that privilege growing up. Ngayong mas may paninindigan na ako, panahon naman siguro na gusto ko ang sundin ko at hindi kagustuhan ng ibang tao. At gusto kong simulan rito.

Seeing the strands of my hair on the floor made me sigh. It was a sigh of relief. Pakiramdam ko ay nabunutan ako ng isang malaking tinik sa aking dibdib. Those strands on the floor wasn't just my hair, but they are the broken shards of my past that I want to bury and forget. I want to forget the horrible things that happened to me, those nightmares that haunted me every night, but the lesson I've learned from that painful journey will remain in my heart.

If there is something beautiful about that pain, it is seeing the hidden beauty of it that made me stronger and much wiser person who I am now.

"I always love your long hair." His voice from the past echoed in my brain.

If I were the same Sophia, I would probably cry by the thought of him. But after that night at the cliff, I tried to forget everything. I cried the whole night and vent out all the emotions that was making my heart heavy. And after that, it was gone a little. To forget is not a magic that if I want it to vanish it will, but it is a processs... a slow process that I start within myself. I have never loved myself, I guess. And now I had come to appreciate my worth as a person living. I never cared about myself, because I was busy achieving the dream of my mother, what others wanted me to be. I forgot who I was before all this things happened. I forgot how innocent I was until my mind was corrupted. I guess that was the purpose of my miscarriaged, no matter how tragic that incident, it made me realized to value myself above all. Self-love is the best gift I could offer myself.

People may say I am a coward for wanting to forget my past, but I don't think so. Sometimes situation will fuck our lives that will leave us with unwanted scars and the only thing left for us is to forget. It's not being a coward trying to forget something that almost destroy you. It's moving on from that thing and conquering the remaining of life that was shattered. It's like making something beautiful out of that broken pieces that was left. It's trying to put back the broken pieces, but this time more thicker and stronger.