To Find You (Harry Styles)

Bittersweet

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It was a bittersweet day. Bitter, in the aspect of school and homework and everything else that goes on in a normal 15 year old girl's life; sweet, in the thought of coming home to a warm house where I could be alone and be myself, even if it was just for a few hours.

I hopped in the shiny green car waiting for me to emerge from the heavy school doors. I was immediately bombarded with questions. "How was your day?" "Fine." "Did you learn anything new?" "No." The same questions that are asked 180 days of the year for the past 10 years. Each year's answers have less and less syllables and each year the questions grow more and more inquisitive.

I dug my nose in my phone gaining more complaints from my mother about " Always paying more attention to an electronic than I do to her." Maybe she should start realizing that I just stare at a blank home page until I get to my room where I can blast my music and sing along with hopes of no audience waiting outside my door begging me to do an encore.

Yes, you heard me right. I sing...and act...and anything else you consider an artsy person to pertain in. I sing until my voice becomes raw, raw with emotion and pure love with the lyrics that I belt. Sometimes I actually start sobbing in the middle of a song. That's what happens when you are so dedicated and truly appreciate every note not knowing when it's your last. I hope to one day do this every day, every hour, and maybe just maybe, get paid for it. I guess if you dumb it down a bit...I want to be "famous". I never really liked that word. The mainstream definition that falls right behind it. Why you ask? Because every single person that I have looked up to in that career has let me down. Every single one. I became so dedicated that I would write lyrics to my favorite songs in a notebook just to have them with me at all times. It felt like they were talking just to me. Like they were singing the feelings stored in my heart that I didn't even want to face. But then I would see them in real life and see their true complexion. Their true feelings and attitude. And time and time again I was not impressed.

I wanted them to feel and express the same emotion that I was feeling when I would listen to their songs.

I will admit, I was a pretty picky person. But I was also quite simple. I preferred American food to Chinese, had a deathly fear of roller coasters, and would rather sit and watch a football game with my dad than go to a high school party.

 I'd always been different than the other girls. Not in a bad way, I mean I had plenty of friends and did well in school. I guess, my personality was different.

Ever since I was young, I had been boy crazy. I always and, I mean always, had a crush on a guy. Whether it be pathetic or not.

Lately, however, I realized that I didn't really want a boyfriend. I just wanted a protector.

Every girl feels like they need to be protected from something or someone. For me, I really just wanted a strong man, who could also be my friend, to just...keep me safe. Even if there wasn't anything for me to be afraid of.

My mind worked differently than other people's. I always leaped before I thought about the consequences. I was scared of strangers and of strange things. I wanted to be normal. 

Oh what a joke that was.