To Find You (Harry Styles)

Fix You

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I looked at her in mock confusion although I knew exactly what she was talking about. I couldn't imagine all the dots she was connecting in her head while she was staring at me wide eyed with her suitcase in hand. The last time I saw her; I was over my last case of depression and was as happy and perky as could be. I was always smiling and  was actually pleasant to be around. A lot had changed since then.

I don't remember the last time I genuinely smiled. It was probably when we were leaving Louis's childhood home five months ago. I waved and laughed at the expressions on the girls and consoled them by telling them I would see them soon. I hadn't seen them since then. I didn't want them to see how fucked up I really was on the inside.

If it was possible, I would go to a doctor and ask him the simple question: what was wrong with me? Why was I like this? It wasn't like I had a traumatizing past. I had a normal and pleasant childhood. That said, I still don't remember everything that happened when I was a kid. I mean who does, but I couldn't help feeling like I was missing something in the back of my mind. I probably wasn’t, but you could never be too sure.

If you could take a picture of my heart and  see all the things I loved and thought of, it would probably scare you. I loved the feeling of blood trickling down my skin, because it meant I was in control. I was in control of something for once in my life, without having to depend on anything or anyone else. I was in control, and I loved it.

Then again, scars are pretty visible, at least back in the states where it was always hot and humid. But here, I always had an excuse to wear a jumper of jacket. The perfect atmosphere for a fucked up person like me.

"I'm fine," I plastered a smile on my face. "Really! I'm just tired from all the interviews and photo shoots we have to do," I said while motioning towards Louis who was standing about ten feet behind me.

"Is black your new favorite color?" she asked sarcastically.

Right before I had met the boys, I was going through a change in my sense of style. I was going towards the darker, more rock n roll sense of style. I chuckled in remembrance of the look on Madison’s face when I stepped out of the dressing room and the only clothes I was going to buy were all black and were completely covered in spikes. She made a rule that I could only buy one thing per shopping trip that was black.

"It's very stylish," I smirked.

She giggled. "Sure it is, but you are definantly not wearing that while I'm here."

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever. I want you to meet somebody."

She smiled back and followed me over to Louis. " Louis, this my best friend since we could crawl and  practically my sister. Madison, this is my big brother and life changer." They both smiled at my descriptive introductions for each of them and exchanged hugs. We were about to leave when a thought popped into my head.

"Hey,  um Madison? Before we leave you should know something." I said awkwardly while balancing on the balls of my feet.

"Okay, shoot." she said while smiling.

"Well, you do know that there's gonna be a lot of paparazzi around us right?" She nodded in response to my statement. "They're gonna be shouting a lot of stuff at us and I don't want you to listen to any of them. You know what? Just cover your ears when we go outside."

"Okay?" she drawled out.

"Wait a second. Liv, can I talk to you privately?" Louis asked suddenly. I knew what he was going to ask and I was nervous to see his response.