To Find You (Harry Styles)

"Are you lost or incomplete?"

 LOUIS POV

"Olivia?" I walked up the stairs. She had been up here for about an hour. I didn’t hear the shower running so I was becoming a little anxious. "Liv? Are you okay?" I asked frantically. "Where are you?"

Madison had gone to sit in the living room, turning on the television and watching some American TV show that so happened to be on this time of day.

I walked into her room and noticed her absence. I looked at the window and noticed it was closed, she didn't climb out or run away. There's only one other place she could be. I walked over to the bathroom and saw a light shining through the crack between the bottom of the door and the ground. She was definitely in there.

I tapped on the door lightly. "Liv? You alright?" I heard a sharp intake of breath and a sigh in response but no exact answer.  "Liv, answer me," I said forcefully.

I heard her mumble something. "What was that?" She was repeating the phrase over and over again. "Please, speak clearly," I attempted to say calmly. She whispered it quietly, but loud enough for me to hear.

"I want to die."

I jolted awake from the nightmare with tears beginning to stream down my cheeks. I checked to my left and let out a deep breath when i noticed the sleeping figure next to me. Well, the almost sleeping figure. She was flipped over onto her back with her eyes trained on the ceiling fan. I reached out my hand to stroke her face but she flinched away. I tried again, but she scooted further away from me.

"Please, just let me touch you," I whispered broken-hearted. She made no response, just stayed still.

I cautiously reached out my hand one more time. She didn't move away, just let out a breath I didn't even realize she was holding. I placed it gently on her cheek and rubbed her cheek with my thumb. I shifted so i was propped up on my elbow, looking down at her. Her eyes wouldn't meet my face, still staring at the crown molding.

"Look at me." I begged. She refused, turning her face away from my hand and into the plush of the pillow.

"Baby," I cried. She did nothing. Nothing at all. Her shoulder didn't shake with her sobs because there were none. She was completely and utterly silent.

I was facing her back, wishing she would just flip over and let me hold her. Let me hold my baby. Let me protect her from everything that was going on in her mind.

I waited a few more moments before reaching my arm across her and latching it to underneath her side. With no complaint from her, I dragged her into my chest, somewhat spooning her, although her legs were drawn up into the fetal position. I moved my other arm to drape across the pillow above her, hovering above the top of her head. I remembered that she loved it when people played with her hair. It made her go to sleep.  I began to run my fingers through the wisps near her forehead, her body still facing away from me.

She had always been a touchy feely person, almost as bad as me and Harry. In order for her to calm down, she needed to be touched. A hand on her arm moving up and down, a palm tracing circles on her back, a kiss to her forehead. This was why I was so confused and frustrated when she wouldn't let me touch her. Not even become remotely close. I hoped she had given up her fight however. I didn’t want her to freak out again, and the only way I could help her was to make her feel safe. So basically I had, no needed, to touch her, no matter what.

I kept my fingers threading through her hair while moving my arm from around her waist to stretch out along her side, my fingers touching her midthigh. I kissed behind her ear and she shuddered. "Shh," I whispered in her ear. I moved my hand up and down her thigh, feeling goose bumps form. She was only wearing a big T-shirt and panties. I wanted her to feel comfortable, even though it was a bit strange for me. I had only seen her undressed a couple of times, and those weren't in the best of the situations.