To Find You (Harry Styles)

Meet the Tomlinson Clan

Nervous. That was to say the least.

I was in a new country, with new people, and on a new side of the road.

Confused. Well, that too.

We had been in the car for about two hours now. I had fallen asleep mulitple times in those hours and had enough time to think about everything.

I was torn.

I didn't know if I wanted to trust Louis and open up to him as much as I had done with Harry. I had been a Styles for what? A week maybe less? Not once did he act like my father. I mean? Didn't I want him to? Didn't I want to feel protected from everything that could possibly go wrong in  my life? I guess I didn't really know the answer to that question. I kept shifting between wanting him to be a parent or being my lover. He couldn't be both. It was imposssible.

But then I see Louis so desperately wanting me to be happy. Seeing him try so hard actually warms my heart. He made sure that I had everything I could possibly need for this trip. He even helped me pack! And what did Harry do?

He sat in his room and sulked.

The entire time on the plane I could feel Louis's eyes on me. He was watching me with such an intensity that I was almost certain I could get burned by his gaze. If I ever looked like I was sad, he would automatically comfort me. He knew everything that was going on my head. Just like Harry. But he acted quicker, and didn't ever question his actions.

I guess it really was official. I was becoming a part of the Tomlinson clan. A new family where I would have four sisters and an extremely wonderful brother, or I guess "dad". Someone who I knew would always protect me. I didn't have to let feelings get in the way. It was simpler this way. Wasn't it?

I felt like I was choosing between Harry and Louis. Sure, I had only been away from him for less than a day. But I already felt...more free. Like I wouldn't be judged for doing something stupid. 

I didn't have to act extremely mature around Louis. He was already a kid at heart. We were able to relate better. We actually...talked. About everything. 

Around Harry, I felt like I had to...be mature. And I know that it doesn't make sense, but I think I had found out an answer to his actions.

Harry was the "leader" of the band. He was the front man, the ring leader, the person who every girl wanted to date and who every guy wanted to be. He had everyone's eyes on him, waiting for him to mess up. He was the one most citicized by others.

I had seen him in the tabloids. There was always a new scandal with him being the center of attention. I knew that he didn't want to be. In fact, he just wanted to blend in. He didn't even have to tell me. I could see it in his eyes when he read the paper everyday.

I just felt, stranded. I felt like I couldn't be myself around him, because he was desperately trying to fix his image. This caused him to not be himself in public. When we were alone however, he  let his guard down. But after I got...attacked, he changed. I thought it was just for a few days, but he's been this way ever since. 

Again, of course I love him. How could I not? But it just seemed to get harder and harder each day. I felt like, in order to not get him trouble, I had to act like I was 18 when we were in public. After weeks and weeks of doing that, I started to see that I was actually becoming that way. I wasn't able to live like a normal 15 year old.

I didn't go to school, even though I was still technically enrolled. I had missed too many days to even consider going back. I would just be interrogated every second of every day. That's almost as bad as having cameras follow me around all hours of the day.